Good News, Veteran's Day, and Fantasies

11-11-10

It's generally a good day today. We got the results back from Alex's analysis and it was mostly good news. A couple things were below normal, but one abnormality was actually canceled out by another factor that was above normal. The other is not something that is uncommon and not something that will keep us from getting pregnant. We were told the doc will discuss our options at our next visit on the 17th.

My cramps ended up continuing so it's pretty definite that this time was a no-go. AF isn't here yet, but she's packing her bags. I did a count though and if AF arrives next week and I get pregnant this cycle, we'll reach 40 weeks about a week before the wedding. I read that most births happen between 36-38 weeks. However, I'm not sure if statistics are up due to inductions. That would be good to have the baby around 37 weeks, because I definitely couldn't have her late.

My cold is finally starting to let go of me. Been sick since last Friday. I slept through the night for the first time in over a week. It was great! I didn't wake up once. Oddly enough, it was also the first night I didn't take medicine before bed. Perhaps they're not as helpful as I previously thought.

It's also Veteran's Day today, a day set aside to remind us thank our service people for protecting our freedoms...and our oil...and other countries. Anyways, perhaps it should be a semi-annual occurrence since too often people forget the other 364 days of the year. For all they do, surely 2 days isn't asking too much.

There was a service at work held today. So there were quite a few men in uniform around. Back in the day, this would have meant tons of eye candy. Interestingly enough, I learned just how attracted to my man I am. There was a line of about seven or eight of these guys leaning on a railing, looking dashing. As I looked at them, I had only one thought, "Man, Alex would look good in one of those uniforms." :)

That reminded me, I caught the end of the Tyra Show and they were discussing sexual fantasies. Apparently, the profession most often fantasized about by women is a fireman. I guess because of the whole damsel in distress/whit knight complex. However, I can honestly say I have never fantasized about a fireman. I think the whole uniform and charred skin just does not do it for me. I don't know. 

Tyra was surprised to learn that the naughty situation most often fantasized about by women was to perform a dirty striptease. She thought it was wrong to have a woman's fantasy be about pleasing a guy, but she's thinking about it wrong. It's not about pleasing a guy. It's about being dominant and being desirable. The women who are strippers know how to work their body and they exude confidence. It may be pleasing to the men, but the girl is in control. It's definitely easy to understand a woman fantasizing about having that siren-like moment. Most women are not confident about their bodies so it's a fantasy to be able to feel confident and desirable to such a degree that their men is completely in their control.What women would not want that?

Good Things To Come?

11-8-10

Well, I may have had a good sign. Last night when I laid down to go to bed, I started cramping, but it wasn't like normal AF cramps. It was sharp and only lasted a few minutes. I had them again this morning. I haven't had them again since.

According to my "My Days" app, I'm only 3 days away from AF, but that is if my cycle goes 35 days. Last cycle was 41 days. Considering I haven't had any other cramping, I believe it is safe to say my cycle will be longer than 35 days. I normally cramp around 5 days leading up to AF.

It also shows yesterday to be 10dpo. That's around the time that implantation occurs. Implantation cramping is described as a slight, but brief cramping, lasting no more than 2 days. Now, it's true that our chances are slim this cycle, but I can't help but at least give a shot at optimism. Even though we only have a slim chance, that chance is still higher than on any previous attempt.

Assuming that AF doesn't show, I plan to take my pregnancy test at 18dpo. I really want to add "and not a day sooner," but I can't guarantee that. That would be November 15th, two days before our return visit to the fertility doctor. A week from today. Can I survive 7 days? Probably not. Insanity seems imminent, but alas, I shall try.

There's also another wait Alex and I are in, though unlike the 2ww it's an outcome he actually cares about. He had an interview last week that went well. He was told he would hear from them by the end of this week. What a dream come true that would be! He would finally be away from his under-paying, over-working, life-draining job. We'd be able to have a romantic night together without his phone blowing up due to calls and e-mails. We could go on a vacation and actually BE ON VACATION! The last vacation we went on, a week in Disney World, he was still being e-mailed and expected to fix things...from 14 hours away, ON VACATION! I took him to a cabin for a romantic weekend one time. A mere two nights away and he was getting e-mailed and had to fix things.

I think I will enjoy working there after he leaves, just because I'll get to see the IT department implode. No one will be able to call him. No one else knows what to do. Quite a few of the reports they have set up are ones that he wrote. They won't know how to update it when prices chance. Errors will start appearing all over the place and it will suddenly be obvious exactly how over-worked, under-paid, and definitely under-appreciated Alex was, not to mention how incapable and unwilling to learn his employees are. Yes, that will be enjoyable to witness. 

I was just thinking...the phone he has is a company phone. I have an extra line on my plan. He should take that line and that number so the random folks from here who have his current number won't be able to reach him. I think I will tell him that when I see him in a bit.

Son Of A....Alex?

I managed to snag myself a cold Friday. I think it was when I was walking to the car after leaving work. It sucks. I get this cold generally once a season. I just had it in September. I normally am fine until late December or early January. Ugh!

Yesterday, we went to the 7 Mile Yardsale on 411. It was a lot of fun. We picked up quite a few teacups and tea accessories for wedding decor. I think we spent a whopping $13. I also got a water urn that I LOVE! It was my favorite piece. Here's a couple pics:

Needless to say, being out in the yuckiness and cold that was yesterday did not improve my cold any. I actually ended up gaining a fever and, man, it did a number on my dreams last night.

Many things went on, including being at a formal dinner with my Grandma and her talking about how disappointed she was that none of her offspring took up a salt-water aquarium. There was another dinner, at IHOP, where we were to celebrate the wedding of my former brother-in-law and his bride. IHOP was in my dream before that, as well, when Alex pointed one out to me and wanted to eat there.

The craziest part(s) was all about Alex though. We were at a party, chatting about something and he somehow let it slip that he had a three year old son. I was obviously shocked. I was like, "What? You have a son? With who?" People at the party thought I was over-reacting since it was a relationship from the past and that he was now with me. I didn't care about that. I said, "That doesn't matter! We've been together for over a year and he never told me had a son!" (The kid was always referred to as son, never child or kid.) Alex told me it was with a girl he had known in college; she was an RA at that time and then mentioned that she actually lived in the area she always had (by the college). 

That made me jump up. I was again like, "WHAT?!? You see them?!?" (In real life, the night before Alex had come late from helping his mom move stuff. That carried over into my dream apparently.) Then I remember his coming home late. "Is that why you were late last night? Did you go over there?" He started to lie, but then said, "Yes." I was livid!!!!

Then the scene changed and I was at a movie theater. The movie had just finished and I was trying to get out and away from Alex. People were trying to calm me down because, apparently, it was not that big of a deal. I eventually told myself that there was no way this could be real. It had to be a dream.

And I woke up. I was laying in bed, Alex next to me. Light was shining into the room, which should have told me something was not right. (We have a black out curtain in our bedroom.) I turned and looked at Alex who was awake. I asked, "Do you have a son?"and he said, "Yes." I asked, "Is that why you were late last night?" and he again said, "Yes." We went through the whole thing again. Me crying, yelling, asking "what the hell?," and him trying to explain. Once again, I convinced myself that what was going on was not real, that I had to be dreaming. 

I woke up again and was alone in the bedroom this time. I went into the living room and Alex was standing at the computer, going through some stuff. I immediately went into to my questions again. And just like before he answered yes to both my questions. At this point, I was aggravated that I wasn't waking up.

And I woke up again. For real this time, I promise. It was extremely dark in the room, but I felt Alex beside me. I checked the time on my phone. It was only 5:12am. Too early to ask him about a son. So I tried to sleep, but my cold was keeping me up. After about an hour, I grabbed up my cover and pillows and headed to the living room couch. Alex got up soon after and came in the living room to kiss me good morning. Despite the incredible pain it caused me to speak, after I got my kiss I immediately asked, "Do you have a son?" He started laughing and said, "No. Why? Did you have a dream?" I nodded yes and he asked if it was because of an episode of "Two and Half Men" that we watched where Charlie thought he had son. I said, "Maybe."

I think a large part of it was simply him coming home late last night. I was tired and had taken some cough medicine by the time he got home. So I wasn't able to be appropriately mad at him so I just did so in my dream. :)

What a Capitol Idea!

About two weeks ago, Alex and I went to The Capitol Theatre to see what it was like and to check pricing for having our wedding there. I can describe the place in three letters: O.M.G! I used to live in Maryville and the theatre is on one of the main roads, Broadway Ave (could there be a better street for a theatre?) so I've driven by it numerous times. I had never really looked at it though. The outside, while definitely capturing that 1920s feel, does not due justice to the theatre itself. (By the way, I know I'm spelling it "theatre" instead of "theater." That's how it's spelled in their name and that's how I will spell it throughout this blog.)

Walking into the lobby, you see the art all over the walls, the splashes of red throughout, and you just get this feeling...an excitement in your stomach, like you just know you're stepping back in time and something magical is before you. Once you're inside, the outside world no longer exists. You are somewhere else and completely immersed in what you see.

While in the lobby, Debbie, the wonderfully sweet and gracious event coordinator of The Capitol, told us a little about the history of the theatre. We were shown The Capitol Coffee Shop and were told that it would be open to our guests on our wedding night. She let us know that there was a woman's area upstairs and a man-cave downstairs for getting ready. There was a lovely table right outside the doors to the theatre that she said was often used for gifts.

Throughout all this, the theatre doors had been shut. I swear, every step closer we got the more the excitement and the anticipation grew within me. I had seen pictures, but I just knew it was going to be something different to see it in person. Then it was time. Debbie reached for the door handle and as she pulled the door open said, "Welcome to The Capitol."

While planning this wedding I have found something to be true on numerous occasions. No matter what you're looking for, be it venue, cake, dress, or centerpieces, you will hem and haw over dozens of options and you'll become convinced you'll never be able to make a decision. Then, you will see THE dress, THE cake, and you will just know because your breath will be taken away. It happened for me when I walked into The Capitol Theatre.

The walls are draped in lush, red curtains, silver topped tables with black, comfy-looking chairs were placed along the middle and bottom tier, the stage ahead had the same velvety red curtains covering it. Across the curtains, written in lighting was, "Welcome, (my name) and Alex." On either side of the stage were large monitors, each displaying the same welcome message. The top tier, where we stood, had tables for the buffet, cake, and drinks, and with the same silver tops as the dining tables.

Debbie introduced us to the DJ and for the life of me I can't remember his name. I want to say it started with an "E," maybe Ethan or Evan. Then again, I was convinced that the song I was trying to think of yesterday had "Black" in the title. Other than that all I knew was that Led Zeppelin was the artist. Turned out the title was "D'yer Mak'er" so I could be way off on his name.

Anyways, he was going to give us a demo of what all he could do with the sounds, lights, and video. We took a seat in the middle tier and the show began. The lights dimmed and over the amazingly clear sound system came the opening notes to Etta James's "At Last." The curtains opened to display the twinkling starlight screen that would be the backdrop for our ceremony. A disco ball began to slowly twirl, casting little sparkles all over the theatre and soft blue lights covered the dance floor . I actually had tears well in my eyes. It was so beautiful and it was so easy to imagine us there on the floor, in our wedding attire, friends and family smiling upon us as we danced.

The the music slowly transitioned. The monitors came alive with the image of a man on a stage. The theatre's 30' movie screen came down and the image was there, as well. I realized the song was "Sway" and the man on the screen was Michael Buble. I am a huge fan of his songs and "Sway" is a song we've been considering for our first dance. The dance floor lit up with pink lights and multi-colored party lights displayed glowing images on the dance floor and the walls. More songs played and we saw a dazzling display of multi-colored lights, flood lighting, starlights, and even laser images being drawn on the ceiling. I was in awe.

The last song was "Time of My Life" and it was played to romantic scenes from a black and white movie. "Congratulations, (my name) and Alex" went scrolling across the screen, written by a green laser light. The curtains began to close and the onscreen couple were seen dancing on the red curtains. The scene faded with the music and the lights came back up. We were sold.

And the tour wasn't over!

From there, Debbie took us down to the bottom tier, the dance floor and explained to us how the ceremony usually takes place, where our attendants and we would enter. Next location was downstairs in the man-cave.

Wow! She said it wasn't unheard of for men to not want to leave the man-cave for the wedding above. I can see why. There were two poker tables, a pool table, a dart board, and a board room style table and chairs. All that was missing was a 60" TV on the wall.

From the man-cave in the basement, we headed to the top floor to see the bridal balcony. While not quite as impressive as the man-cave, it was still lovely. The walls were black except for red curtains that hung around a smaller version of their huge silver screen. There were over stuffed couches and chairs in red covers placed about. Two windows over looked the theatre below so if I wanted I could see people as they were getting seated. It was lovely.

We headed back downstairs and discussed numbers which, while very reasonable, is more than we have. I'm putting my car up for sale though so hopefully that will give us more than enough for our wedding. I cannot imagine having it anywhere else now.

The total for the venue and food was about $1500 more than the venue & food we had originally chose. However, the original venue was just that, just venue and food, nothing else. We still needed a lighting person and a DJ, and those alone would hit the $1500 mark. I also needed chair covers and sashes, tablecloths, centerpieces, people to set it all up, people to take it all down. Having all those costs included in one price made it a steal, especially since it stole our hearts.

A Great Mother-Daughter Day

A while back, mom invited me out for a mother-daughter day. She offered to take us to a spa for a massage. Naturally, I love Spa Visage, but I didn't think there was any chance of us getting in on that day. She gave them a call and got us both in for a 90-minute massage. I was super stoked! 

So we headed up to Spa Visage. Upon our arrival, we went through the usual start up. Shown into the dressing area, given shoes, a robe, and shown a locker to put our stuff in. I love their dressing area. It's as lovely as the rest of the place.

After putting on my robe, I headed into the Gathering Room, a cozy room with soft lighting and soft music. Mom was already there. I grabbed a small glass of lemon water and sat down to wait on my masseuse. She arrived shortly. Her name was Lori McNabb (spelling might be wrong) and she seemed very pleasant. We headed to one of the rooms and she asked me the standard questions: What kind of massage do you prefer? Any place you want extra work done on? Any places to avoid? I told her about how every massage has always left me with a hurt lower neck. So she said she would avoid that area. Then she left so I could get disrobed and climb up on their wonderfully cushy table.  

While massages are always good, she gave the best one EVER! I mean really! And not just because it was the first time I had ever made it through a massage without getting hurt. She really did do an amazing job. Also, something she used had lemon grass in it and I really liked that. 

The only draw back was that about halfway though, out of nowhere some insanely loud noise started up. I don't know what it was or where it was coming from. It sounded like some major machinery starting up in the next room or something. That made it kind of hard to enjoy my relaxing experience, but I definitely tried hard to block it from my brain.

As before, after the massage I got dressed and Lori was waiting right outside the door with a cup of water. I love that gesture. It really is little things like that that make a business stand out. She led me back to the Gathering Room and from there I went back to the dressing area. I got dressed and fixed my hair. Then Mom and I headed out.

I asked if we could head over to Market Square because there was a store that I wanted to go in. The only time I'm ever in the area is to see Einstein Simplified and at that time the store is closed. My friend A was the one who had told me about it and actually pointed it out the first night we were up there. It's called  Reruns and it's a "vintage" consignment shop. I put vintage in quotes, because very little of the products could actually be considered vintage. Also, for a consignment shop, their prices are a little on the steep side. I'm not paying $20 for a pair of old jeans. I can get new jeans for that. Anyways,...

We walked around and checked out a couple of other shops and then decided to have some lunch. Our restaurant of choice was The Tomato Head. Mom decided on a slice of pizza and I chose a sandwich, the one named after the restaurant, Tomato Head, but without the tomatoes. It's really fun as a female to say, "I just want Head."

There was a small band playing outside. I wish I would have found out some information on them so I could tell you something. I know nothing other than they were playing in front of The Tomato Head on a Wednesday afternoon. Maybe you can catch them there at the time again. I don't know. They all brought their dogs with them. I have no idea why. One girl was playing the saw and I thought that was awesome! I had never seen it done. I knew it could be, but that was the first time I'd seen or heard it in person.

Wonderful lunch in our tummies, we headed home. It was a great day and I definitely thank my mom since she paid for everything. It was only a few weeks back, but I'm definitely thinking I would love to head back to the spa, especially now since I found a masseuse that won't leave me in pain. But alas, I have no money of my own and any money we do have needs to be saved for the wedding. 

Speaking of the wedding, I have an upcoming blog that will showcase the place we're getting married at. It's fantastic and you won't want to miss it!

Recovering After The Storm

From 10-29-10

I'm feeling quite exhausted today. Yesterday was obviously a very emotionally trying day and I'm definitely feeling the effects today. 

Not much to report. No real changes in life since my last post (that we know of anyway). Alex and I did have a little tiff today when he mentioned possibly staying at the job he has, but getting to corporate level. I was NOT okay with that. At his current job, he gets walked all over. His pay is nowhere near what it should be considering all he does and his time is here. With that in mind, staying with this company is not the best idea, especially when we want to have a child. It would also require us to move from a seasonal tourist area to a year-long tourist area. While I would love the warmer weather and being within a few hours drive of the beach, I would not enjoy whatever degrading, demeaning, and useless job that I would have to endure. I also believe there is a larger crime rate in that state than in Tennessee. Not the best option for raising a child, assuming you have an option.

I've gotten to where I really don't like being at my job, even when I get to do office work. It's all meaningless and not fun. I miss having a job where I can laugh with people I like about life occurrences. Nowadays, the majority of people here just want to complain about how so-&-so isn't doing their job or talk about how their own job is so hard. I would never say my job is hard. It's so easy there are actually automated machines that do what I do. Hence, lack of meaning.

Think I will take a break. More to come though.

Disaster in Positiveland

From the evening of 10-28

So as excited as I was today, apparently it was all for not. As soon as I got home I took another test just to make sure that I hadn't somehow messed up the first one. It was positive, as well. So it was true; things were a go.

I spent quite a bit of time today reading on the "now what" part of a positive OPK. Apparently, we're supposed to have sex three days in a row, take one day off, then do it again on the fifth day for good measure. I knew that was going to be difficult because Alex is not like most guys. Most guys can orgasm twice in one night at least. I think there may have been one time where he orgasmed once on consecutive nights. Basically, it takes him longer than most guys to refuel. Where as a normal guy can be fully recharged, ready to go 24 hours later, he generally takes 36-48 hours. While it makes working towards a baby more difficult, I didn't dwell on it much.

Especially once I got my positive OPK. I checked my "My Days" app and saw that it had been three days since we'd last had sex. That was awesomeness! That meant he had plenty of time to build up his best swimmers and would most certainly orgasm tonight. I wasn't even counting on the tomorrow. I thought, if we could just get tonight and the day after tomorrow that should do it.

I drove home in a state of bliss!

Alex was off today, but I'd sent him a text with the picture of my positive. He said, "Yay." At home, I asked about his day and listened to all he'd done. Suddenly, I had a horrible thought. I asked, "Did you look at naked girls today?" He said, "Yeah, a bit." (He knows I don't mind him doing that. Any guy who says he doesn't is lying.) I almost pleaded as I asked the next question, "You didn't get off, did you?" He hesitated, then stuttered as he said, "No, of course not."

He was lying. I called him on it.

So now, what am I supposed to do? We put so much effort into this. I went to doctor, had all that stuff done to me, took the Clomid, took prenatal vitamins, peed on a stick every fucking day, waiting for the positive that I FINALLY got. He had NOTHING done to him! We even put off the semen analysis so we wouldn't have any go to waste in case I ovulated. All he had to do was bring the sperm! That's all! He couldn't fucking manage that!

I feel sick. I really do. I feel like I've been cheated on. The closest I've ever felt to this is when a guy I was in love with started propositioning one of my friends. I guess it's similar. I may not have been cheated on, but I definitely feel cheated. I want to throw up.

This was also the last month we had to get pregnant and still manage to have the baby before the wedding. I thought we really had a chance.

I guess we'll try tomorrow and maybe on the fourth day. Assuming I can quit being mad long enough to do so. I told him, without feeling any guilt while speaking, that if I didn't get pregnant this month, I was putting the whole blame on him. I did everything I could and succeeded. He had one job.

My perfect mood has turned into hopelessness and despair, I don't know what to do. I'm so hurt and angry and scared and confused. Why did this happen?

UPDATE: We did manage to get one time so hopefully that was enough. I also told Alex that if we didn't get pregnant I was taking most of the blame off him and putting it on our workplace. They decided to mess stuff up and change the schedule around and that give him a day off without my supervision (said tongue in cheek). We're in the two week wait now and hoping for a miracle.