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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Disaster in Positiveland

From the evening of 10-28

So as excited as I was today, apparently it was all for not. As soon as I got home I took another test just to make sure that I hadn't somehow messed up the first one. It was positive, as well. So it was true; things were a go.

I spent quite a bit of time today reading on the "now what" part of a positive OPK. Apparently, we're supposed to have sex three days in a row, take one day off, then do it again on the fifth day for good measure. I knew that was going to be difficult because Alex is not like most guys. Most guys can orgasm twice in one night at least. I think there may have been one time where he orgasmed once on consecutive nights. Basically, it takes him longer than most guys to refuel. Where as a normal guy can be fully recharged, ready to go 24 hours later, he generally takes 36-48 hours. While it makes working towards a baby more difficult, I didn't dwell on it much.

Especially once I got my positive OPK. I checked my "My Days" app and saw that it had been three days since we'd last had sex. That was awesomeness! That meant he had plenty of time to build up his best swimmers and would most certainly orgasm tonight. I wasn't even counting on the tomorrow. I thought, if we could just get tonight and the day after tomorrow that should do it.

I drove home in a state of bliss!

Alex was off today, but I'd sent him a text with the picture of my positive. He said, "Yay." At home, I asked about his day and listened to all he'd done. Suddenly, I had a horrible thought. I asked, "Did you look at naked girls today?" He said, "Yeah, a bit." (He knows I don't mind him doing that. Any guy who says he doesn't is lying.) I almost pleaded as I asked the next question, "You didn't get off, did you?" He hesitated, then stuttered as he said, "No, of course not."

He was lying. I called him on it.

So now, what am I supposed to do? We put so much effort into this. I went to doctor, had all that stuff done to me, took the Clomid, took prenatal vitamins, peed on a stick every fucking day, waiting for the positive that I FINALLY got. He had NOTHING done to him! We even put off the semen analysis so we wouldn't have any go to waste in case I ovulated. All he had to do was bring the sperm! That's all! He couldn't fucking manage that!

I feel sick. I really do. I feel like I've been cheated on. The closest I've ever felt to this is when a guy I was in love with started propositioning one of my friends. I guess it's similar. I may not have been cheated on, but I definitely feel cheated. I want to throw up.

This was also the last month we had to get pregnant and still manage to have the baby before the wedding. I thought we really had a chance.

I guess we'll try tomorrow and maybe on the fourth day. Assuming I can quit being mad long enough to do so. I told him, without feeling any guilt while speaking, that if I didn't get pregnant this month, I was putting the whole blame on him. I did everything I could and succeeded. He had one job.

My perfect mood has turned into hopelessness and despair, I don't know what to do. I'm so hurt and angry and scared and confused. Why did this happen?

UPDATE: We did manage to get one time so hopefully that was enough. I also told Alex that if we didn't get pregnant I was taking most of the blame off him and putting it on our workplace. They decided to mess stuff up and change the schedule around and that give him a day off without my supervision (said tongue in cheek). We're in the two week wait now and hoping for a miracle.

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