Movin' On Out!

I have decided I would like to move. I'm honestly not too hung up on where, just so long as I can find a job that does not depend on seasonal tourists for the majority of the customers. The constant flux has finally wore me down. I'm tired of dealing with it. And though I'm sure we'll have a kid before we move, working in a facility that caters to families while dealing with infertility and trying to conceive is just more than anyone should have to bear.

I've set a goal of five years. By 2015, I would like to be living in a decent 3 or 4 bedroom home with a nice sized, fenced-in yard. For work, I would prefer to be doing something I enjoy and that doesn't stress me out, or even better, be a stay-at-home mom, though that's probably just a fairy tale thought. People who can do not realize how lucky they are. It takes a shit-ton of money coming in and I just don't believe we'll ever be that lucky. Anyways, I would settle for something I don't like if I had to. It's not like I believe I will ever get to raise horses or get to do this blog as a living or anything. I've spent my life doing what I need to do to keep on keeping on so I will be surprised if that aspect is different in five years.

So there are quite a few more blogs on the way. I have yet to type up the fun I had on last GNO. It's written and sitting here though I'm not sure if I will be able to get it up tonight or not. I have a lot do. I also have yet to even write up a blog about the great mother-daughter day I had the week before last. Hopefully, if the stuff doesn't make it up tonight it will be up on Wednesday. I'm not making any promises though! Life is full of twists and turns and who knows what Wednesday might actually bring. Fingers crossed for a calm day of Sevier life though.

Blast From the Past

I had a nice little happening at work last week. A couple came up to the area I was working and when I looked over I got quite a surprise. The guy was someone I had started dating over a year ago. It was interesting to me since this guy has disappeared off the face of the earth. Things between us had been going okay. The only issue was his slutty female friend.

My friends and I referred to her as Zoo York because every time we saw her she was wearing the same shirt, a too tight tee that had Zoo York printed on the front. She always made a show of rubbing up on my guy, grabbing his nipples, and flirting outrageously with him. She almost got her ass drug out the door and beat. My friends watched her actions one night and it was so bad that I actually just walked out. They were as livid as I was and told me to come back in because she knew it was getting to me and she liked that. And also, if I decided I wanted to kick her ass they would all back me up. 

As we were leaving the bar that night, he asked what as up with me and I told him straight up that I did not like her and they way she was with him. He needed to make her stop. He didn't see the issue, but said he would talk to her. That should have been a huge red flag waving in my face, showing me that he was not the guy for me. If a man does not care that another chick's actions upsets you, he does not care about you. A guy friend of mine hadn't trusted him from the second he met him. He told me that he had a bad feeling about the guy, that he wasn't a good guy. I really should have trusted his instincts.

Anyways, she backed off a bit (a very little bit) and just took to casting snide comments my way when he and I were together. You know the kind of comments, to the casual listener they seem innocent enough, but you hear the venom and sarcasm loud and clear. He and I were okay other wise though.

I told him I was going to be out of touch for a day or so because I was going to a friend's birthday party out of town. I told him when I would be back, he said he'd talk to me then, and off I went. Two days after I got back, I still had not heard from him so I called and left a message on his machine. After a little over a week, a friend and I went to the bar that he would go to every night after he got off work. It was actually the place where we met, where he came on to me. Anyways, he never showed and one of the waitresses who knew we'd been seeing each other said she hadn't seen him in a week. I chalked it up to a lesson learned.

At first, when I saw him at work, I wanted to just dissolve, become invisible, disappear, but unfortunately that was not an option. I know because I actually looked around for a place to disappear into despite knowing full well there was no such place in my vicinity. But then I realized, I had no reason to hide. He was the dick. I did nothing wrong.

So I stood there while he and the unattractive blond (not saying it to be spiteful; as a bi woman, I'm perfectly capable of being objective of other women and there's not enough money in the world to make me think she's mildly pretty, let alone do anything to her) he was with made their choices. As he handed me the money, I made sure to lock eyes with him. I saw the flash of recognition, but like me he kept any trace of acknowledgment off his face.

As they walked away, I just smiled and shook my head. A year ago, making a scene might have been fun, but since I'm perfectly happy doing so would have just been senseless. He is as cute as I remember, but seeing him with the girl, seeing his standards fall so low, made me glad that he disappeared from my life so long ago.

Bring In The Professionals!

Well, since ranting and raving won't get me pregnant (no matter how good at it I am), we went to The Southeastern Center for Fertility and Reproductive Surgery on the 18th.

It took us a while to find the place because Google gave me the wrong address. We weren't horribly late though and we weren't scolded so I guess it was okay. We walked into a nice, moderate sized waiting room and was immediately greeted by the receptionist. She was happy to find we had all necessary paperwork filled out and ready. (Yay! Gold star for us!) She made copies of our drivers licenses, insurance card, and marriage certificate (they only treat married couples) and then had us take a seat. I was feeling a mix of nervousness and excitement as I waited, staring at the winter-scene painting hung on the wall across from me. Our wait was thankfully short.

We were led into a small exam room where a nurse asked us questions about my cycle, how long we'd been trying to conceive, and general health info. Then she took our picture...I'm not sure why. She told us the doctor would be in shortly to take us to his office and talk to us. I felt kinda like a kid waiting in the office to speak to the principle. Dr. Keener entered and introduced himself to us and, as the nurse said, led us to his office.

There was a Victorian-style love seat in front of his desk where we were to sit. I thought that was a lot better than two separate office style chairs. The patients come in as a couple and they will treat you as a couple. We spent about 15 minutes talking to him, answering his questions. He was thorough. When he asked about my BBT charting, I showed him the one I have on my phone (for all Android users, it's an app called My Days and it's great for tracking your cycle, whether trying to conceive or not). He said that judging from that it looked like I hadn't been ovulating (one of my fears). We were then led to another exam room where I was told to strip from the waste down. 

Now, I have never been to a gyno in my life. Never had insurance so I never could, not that I ever had a reason, too. So this was a whole new experience for me. Considering that, I believe I would have had every right to have been nervous and/or terrified, but I wasn't. I was scared they would find something wrong, but i was not scared of whatever unknown procedures they had planned for my nether regions. It was all a step towards the ultimate goal, getting a baby. I would have put myself through rigorous torturing if it meant I'd end up with a baby. Parents say they would do anything for the kid(s), but they're talking about the kid(s) that they have. How many would willing put themselves through hell for a kid they may or may not end up with? I do not yet have a child, but I'm already willing to do anything. There is nothing that I would not put myself through to get my child.

As it turns out though, no rigorous torturing was involved. The only pain I felt was when the doctor was standing over me, shoving his hands into my abdomen. The lower half examination was painless. I was told that my innards looked normal so that was nice. You don't get that compliment from many people. I was allowed to get dressed and then I waited for a wonderfully nice nurse who came to collect four vials of blood from me.

I was given orders to keep charting my temp and to go to a lab at my convenience for more blood work. I'm not sure why they didn't take more there, but okay. I was also given a five day pack of Clomid to induce ovulation and told to get the best ovulation predictor kit, the Clear Blue Easy Digital kind. I used to use their pregnancy version whenever I tested for pregnancy. I switched to the non-digital kind because one line was just easier to see than the "Not Pregnant" displayed digitally. I also purchased a saliva ovulation predictor kit. It has been fun to learn. I finally got it figured out.

Alex received orders to go get a semen analysis. We're waiting until after ovulation though, assuming I ovulate. If not, we'll just schedule it for a week before our next trip to the doctor's office in a few weeks. We just don't want to have him waiting for the test and then me ovulate. We would not keep waiting for him to do it in a cup if I ever get a positive on my OPKs.

So that was about the gist of it all. I took my last Clomid pill yesterday. Hoping I didn't start taking it too late in the cycle. I didn't particularly feel any side-effects, but today I started having hot flashes which is a known side-effect of the drug. Alex says it must be a delayed effect. I normally am a cold-natured person. The house could be 78* and I could be wearing warm comfy pajamas while wrapped in an electric blanket and be just fine. The past couple days though I have been burning up, just sweating and generally out of nowhere. 

Other than that, all is well here. I have not gotten a positive yet, but I'm staying positive despite that fact. I also learned that Freya is a goddess of fertility (amongst other things). She is the one I like to thank for Friday as it is her namesake. That made me extra happy to be thanking her. Every little bit helps. :)

Update on Update

Written same day as last blog. Note: bad language and lots of anger are here. Lots of cursing directed towards mothers. So if you are an easily offended mom, you may want to skip this one.

Well, no blood test needed. AF has arrived. At least now I can move on. I'm totally bummed. A 41 day cycle? For me, that's unheard of! I was averaging 33. I don't understand. How do I go from a 30 day cycle to a 41 day cycle? {sigh}

Guess I'll need to order some more ovulation strips. Apparently, I'll need as many as we can afford. I'm gonna have to test from the day AF leaves until the day she returns or I get a BFP.

And, of course, as I am feeling strong and ready and writing out my plan, up walks my next customer, a guy carrying a baby. The baby boy is just a few months old, dressed in a cute little pair of jeans and a t-shirt, no shoes, just looking around and taking everything in. The man paid with a credit card and I automatically held the receipt so he could sign it one-handed. As he signed, I looked at the baby and he just looked back at me with the most beautiful big eyes. They walked away and I had to fight back tears.

Then another baby went by. I figured I should count infants the next day I work just to see exactly to what extent the gods are mocking me. Maybe I am not allowed to have a kid while I'm at that job simply because there are so many I'm around on a daily basis. Maybe it would mess up the balance of the universe or something. Were that actually the situation, all I'd have to say is, "FUCK THE UNIVERSE!" I sit by while all my friends have children, get more children, show off their children, profess how they were born to me a mother...fuck that, too! Just because I waited until I was in a financially and emotionally stable relationship and managed to not get knocked up before this point does NOT make me any less of a  mother or any less deserving of having a child.

I would give anything to be a mother right now. I should be. I've done things the right way.

Oh, and all their bullshit of, "It will happen for you. You'll be a great mom! Just wait. Just give it time. Just enjoy sex!" Yeah, thanks for telling me to enjoy sex! That's apparently the big secret. Who knew? If that was the answer I'd have my own Von Trapp size clan. I'm so full of anger right now. Families are growing old and we can't even get ours started. Fuck all the women with their working ovaries, no fertility issues, more kids than they need, women who don't think they enough kids, and all women who think "GOD" has anything to do with it! (Stated here: when it happens for me, rest assured it will have had NOTHING to do with the Christian "god!") To hell with all of you!!

Update of Back Blog

This was written seven days ago.

Time for baby news update. I'm still in limbo. CD 42, 9 days late, 6 days longer than my longest cycle in the last four months. If I'm pregnant, I am day shy of six weeks. I tested twice yesterday. Once in the morning because I really thought I was going to see a positive. Then again in the evening because I prayed to everything good in this world for a miracle, simple peace of mind that I'm not suffering some horrible problem or experiencing early menopause.

Not knowing has had me really down and extra emotional. As much as I want to be pregnant, if I'm not right now then I'm okay with that. I just want my cycle to move on so we can try again. I think I must have said that a thousand times, but I still mean it. Anything , even AF, is better than not knowing how the rest of your life is gonna be. Not knowing if your wish has come true or if you should keep wishing.

I attempted to end the wait yesterday. Mom took me to a clinic to get tested. Only $28 and a bit of blood would give me an answer. I went in to see the "doctor" who wasn't very doctorish to me. She asked about my symptoms and cycle information. She mentioned that it might be too early to tell. I thought that was weird, but shrugged it off since sometimes even blood tests can be wrong though it's not common. Then she said all that was left to do was "collect" so I said, "okay," and started looking around for where the needles were. She grabbed a plastic package off the counter that I assumed was a blood collection kit, but then she handed it to me. I looked at her with a confused expression and then looked at what she handed me, a cup in a bag. Incredulously, I looked back at her and asked, "You want me to pee in a cup?" She confirmed and I told her that first of all, I had just peed and secondly, I was expecting a blood test. Peeing on a stick didn't work at home. I didn't need to pay $28 for one doctor's test that would only tell me what I already know, absolutely nothing!

Alex did some calling around though and found out where we can go for a blood test. We're going right after work. Hopefully, some light will be shed on my darkness.

Back Blog

This was written a few weeks ago.

I found out some disturbing news today. I knew than on any given month the chance of conceiving was only 20-25%. What I didn't know is that assuming you beat the odds and conceive, there is a 25% chance of miscarriage without even knowing it! This really distraught me. It's been hard enough getting pregnant. Now, I found out that even if I do get pregnant, there is a 25% chance I will lose it...lose it and never even know. I may have been pregnant at some point. How would I know? I wouldn't. I thought we had great odds of conceiving in August, but AF showed up five, count 'em, FIVE days early. What if that was a miscarriage?

{sigh} Now, I'm at the monthly point were AF will come knocking or I will get my wish. I have been trying not to get my hopes up. After all, we had some performance issues the day we most desperately needed everything to go well, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. We had good days before and after so who knows. I've had a few symptoms, but I've had symptoms before. The one I think is the best is that I've had no cramping which I normally get pretty badly the week preceding my AF.

I've also had a few less conclusive signs: fatigue, frequent urination, and queasiness. However, they could be the result of other things. I'm so torn between not wanting to get my hopes up and wanting to hope just in case hoping helps.

I took a test on Friday and got a BFN so I'm scared about taking another one. It was early enough that the test could have been wrong. If I take one know though it should be pretty conclusive. I can't decide if I want to take one tomorrow or wait a few days.

There's also the fact that tomorrow is supposed to be a most excellent day. Alex and I will be legally getting married, my Droid X will be arriving, cable is getting installed, and I'm off work. We don't want people at work to know and then them not come to the wedding next year. Of course, with the turnover rate it may not matter.

Anyways, so I'm almost tempted to do it tomorrow since it is a day of good things. But, in case I'm not, I don't want anything to damped the day. It wouldn't ruin the day or anything, but it would suck. Or maybe I should since I'll be happy for other reasons even if I do get a BFN.

Yes, I am quite the conflicted personality. {sigh} Perhaps I shall just wait and see. No reason to waste a test if AF is just going to rear her ugly head in a few. We'll see.

New Favorite Quote!

Last night, while laying in bed, I was playing sudoku and Alex was watching a video blog (both on our respective Droid Xs). I wasn't paying any attention to what he was watching, but a line caught my ear. It was a sentence so true that once I heard it all I could do was replay it over and over in my head, giggling  and reveling in it's truth.

It actually replaced my all time favorite quote, one that has been my favorite for years. My original favorite was from a "Rose is Rose" comic. It was, "Why do people give the label of love to tedious feelings of obligation and duty, yet dismiss the most electrifying infatuation as trivial?" It was a quote that held much relevance for me as I tried to sort out love and infatuation in my life. I managed the near-impossible though.  I am in love with the person I'm infatuated with. So I guess the time for a new quote with more relevance was at hand.

Pat Condell was the deliverer. I had never heard of him. I only know his name now because I asked Alex who was speaking. I wanted to be able to give him credit. I'm sure this will be my favorite quote for many years to come. He deserves to be noted.

As any of you who read my blog know, Christianity just rubs me the wrong way. (Insert your own catholic priest joke here.) It seems to be a religion full of so much dogma and hypocrisy that it cannot even keep its own fairy-tales straight. Living a "because I said so" life and doing so unquestioningly is just not something I can do. Enter Pat's quote: "Christianity is too high a price to pay for eternal salvation."

Can I get an "amen"?  :-/  No?

Meltdown

I'm now 3 days late, but I started cramping on the 29th and have been ever since. This is usually a sure sign that AF is on the way. So I guess I'm just having a long cycle this month. I was doing pretty good with the whole thing though. I was looking on the bright side, took comfort in knowing we have October to try again.

Then the night before last, Alex decided he just HAD to tell me this story that started with yet ANOTHER person we know getting pregnant and concluded with all these guys who are dad telling delivery room stories. Considering my already fragile state due to the emotional turmoil of attempting to conceive and the fact that I am apparently PMSing, I completely broke down. I didn't stand a chance.

All the bad things I think and feel but try to ignore hit me all at once. People all around me conceive without difficulty, without waiting, without even TRYING! I feel like a completely failure as a woman, incapable of being a mother. Bad parents, people with more children than I can count, and pregnant mothers parade past me in hordes at work. It's like the world's sickest joke.

It seems like the only people who know what to say and what NOT to say to women TTC are other women who are TTC. However, I didn't realize that my fiance, who is around me every day and has seen me going through this emotional hell, would be so dense as to bring up a half-ass story (wasn't even a good story with a point) about other women being pregnant and having babies. I'm surprised he didn't throw in some stories about people who having great success with their horse farms and people who got to have the wedding of their dreams after coming into an adequate inheritance.Ya know, just to make sure that if I decide to commit suicide I'm depressed enough to be sure I won't fuck up. (Note to readers: No, I'm not suicidal! Just a leap into the dark side of humor for that one.)

I tore into him about how he didn't understand how I felt, and that he just threw in my face what I cannot do/have, and to top it off he kept sighing through my tirade to the point that I got up to leave the room since I was apparently annoying him so much. He did stop me though and apologized profusely and agreed to start helping me in our efforts to have a child (in ways other then the obvious). So all was well afterward.

Laughing Is Conceivable had a great article yesterday that really helped me feel better. A quick snippet:

Step one is: 

Freak out. “Why can’t I have a baby?! I’m a woman. I’m supposed to be able to have a baby?! Why are all of my low-life friends and relatives having babies?!” 

Reading that was what made me feel better. Knowing I'm not the only one deals with such feelings.

I will leave you with a couple links to Lori Shandlefox's blog.

For the story I mention above, click here.

This article by Tracy Birkinbine is linked through Laughing Is Conceivable. It's called Infertility Feelings and Emotions: Difference Between Men and Women. It helped Alex and I with what we went through with my meltdown.