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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Black Ice

12/14/10
Going to the doctor's tomorrow. I assume they'll do a blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not. I have no idea. I think I'm not because I've had to deal with a lot of cramping over the past few days. Hoping against hope for good news though. I read that cramping can be an early sign of pregnancy. I have been too scared to take a home pregnancy test. Before I have been eager to use them, but nothing is more disappointing then reading that "Not Pregnant" in the display window. I may use one tomorrow before I go to the doctor. Not sure yet.

It has been a winter wonderland in Sevier County over the past few days. I was annoyed on Sunday when I saw the rain, but by midday it had turned into snow and I was ecstatic. It piled up quick. Neither Alex nor I went to work on Monday. We decided to go today, but to leave a bit later than usual. I wish I had not left the house. It was hell getting down our road. I know most of the main roads are fairly clear, but our road was still well iced over. I started sliding as I went down one of the small inclines. My car is NOT made winter weather and I certainly do not have the nerves for it.

Up until a few years ago, I had never driven in bad winter weather at all. Then one day, out of nowhere, we had that day of black ice. I lived in Maryville in the country and was heading to Pigeon Forge early in the morning for a work thing. I went down my country back roads to the main highway before I even heard them start talking on the radio about the ice. I remember thinking, "That's weird. My drive has been fine. Oh, well. Must be elsewhere." I made it all the way down that highway and turned onto Lamar Alexander Parkway, again with no troubles. However, as I went to stop behind the line of cars at the next light...I didn't stop. I just started sliding. Terror went through me. As my car finally came to a stop, short of hitting the car in front of me, I looked to my left in time to see a truck in the next lane slide up onto the sidewalk to keep from hitting the car in front of them because they couldn't stop either. That's when I realized from my home to Lamar Alexander I had just been lucky. I attempted to go on. Cars were creeping alone, but still sliding, including my own. As I turned onto 321 and passed the hospital, I saw a car sticking up, practically vertical from going over an embankment. At that point, I wanted off the road. There was a huge empty parking lot ahead on the right. I wanted to get over, but I was behind a huge dump truck that was starting to slide right. Then I started sliding right, as well. He corrected himself (somehow) and I used my right momentum to get over to turn lane. I pulled into the parking lot of a funeral home. Once I got my car parked, I just burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably. I was literally just bawling. I could barely breathe. I had been so scared, but you don't have time or the ability to express the fear when your and other peoples' lives are at stake, ya know? So once I was safe, I just melted into all that fear that I had been feeling. Even now, as I write this, I am shaking. It was extremely traumatic to me.

So that has caused me to have issues during winter weather driving, especially with our road always being covered in ice. I generally start hyperventilating and shaking. Getting to work today was no different. Half way there, I was in tears on the Spur because there were still some icy patches here and there. I even parked in a different place than usual, a lot where I would have to walk a ways to work, because I was scared the parking garage ramp would be icy and I wouldn't be able to get up it. Like I said, my car is not made for winter weather. It's super light and it doesn't take much to slide around.

I am too scared to go back down the road to my house. Plus, I have that doctor's appointment in the morning. I don't want to have to go on the road in the early morning hours when the ice will be worse than usual. So I'm going to meet Alex somewhere and ride home with him. Then I can leave with him in the morning and we'll go back for my car. I won't have to drive on any of the bad roads, at least until I come home. Maybe I can kill enough time in Knoxville that it will be melted by the time I go home. I can hope.

IUI Complete

12/9/10
It has been a very long while since I have written and I apologize...I'm not sure to whom I'm apologizing since as far as I can tell no one actually reads this, but it makes me feel better to pretend that someone might care. Maybe my blog is like a soap opera and some poor soul has been desperately wondering what shenanigans have been going on in Sevier Life lately.

Naturally, this blog has turned into more of the story of my journey through the world of infertility than anything else. So I will start there.

I got a positive on my ovulation predictor on November 29th. Alex called the doctor's office to schedule our appointment for IUI (intrauterine insemination). He kept getting put through to voice mail and I was flipping out as it was getting close to their closing time. I was scared we wouldn't get the appointment and I would be SOL this time around. Finally, Mary, the head nurse, called us back and set up the appointment for 8:00am.

When we arrived the next day, we noticed a sign that said (paraphrasing here), "Payment expected before service." I'm not even sure how that works, but we also found out from the receptionist that they were only accepting cash or checks, no cards. Neither of us carries cash or checks. Insert part two of me flipping out. They don't tell us this ahead of time and they've always taken cards before, but this time when I'm there for such an important procedure, I have to pay for said procedure before they do it and with currency I don't have. I was livid. Luckily, they took Alex's credit card info and agreed to charge it the next day. Apparently, not taking cards was not a new rule, just an inconvenience caused by the storm outside.

When we were called back, Mary ushered us to one of the exam rooms and I was given my usual instructions: strip from the waist down. So I did as I was told, clambered up onto the too-tall table, covered myself with the paper blanket, and waited. I had done some reading before I came in. I checked out what a good sperm count for an IUI would be. I read that a count of 1 million was necessary to preform the procedure, but that 20 million was average. Anything over 50 million did not seem to increase the odds of conceiving any. Mary came back in holing a vial of Alex's little guys all washed and chilling in pink liquid (which I'm hoping will increase the odds of a girl, or at least a flamboyant little boy). I asked what kind of count we had to work with and was delightfully surprised to hear we had 41 million. Excellent! Just a few million shy of overdoing. 
Now, I also read that procedure would be quick and painless...unless the person performing it was having trouble getting into your cervix. Heaven forbid I do anything the easy way. I lay there not feeling well and willing my cervix to open. Finally, success! Pain was minimal at least. They told me to stay on the table for 10 minutes. So I chilled there discussing the chances with Alex. Afterward I was told to come back in a week for some blood work to check my progesterone level.

A week later, I returned and the really nice hematologist chick took a vial of my blood and told me the results would be ready the next morning. When I called, I was given good news. They want to see a progesterone level of 15 or higher. Mine was 23.6. Yay! From what I read online, that is a pretty great number. It doesn't mean I'm pregnant, but it means that if fertilization took place, the embryo will have a wonderfully cushy place to implant in.

So now, I am in the waiting game again. If my cycle stays the same as it has been the past few, right at 35 days, I have seven days until I will even have a chance of knowing if I'm pregnant or not. I hate the waiting and not knowing. It is the worst. I so want to be able to celebrate a Christmas miracle, but I'm scared of getting my hopes up, too. Some women go through IUI 3 or 4 times and never get pregnant. Some have to move on IVF. We will never be able to afford that. This has to work we're just SOL. I am trying to stay cautiously optimistic though. Guess we'll see.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thursday the 18th, Part 2

Alex, sweet man, came home with a bottle of sparkling grape juice and some candy. It was one of the things I highlighted in a book about 1001 romantic things to do for you lover. It was supposed to be champagne and flowers, but I don't like champagne and I don't know why he didn't get me flowers. I would have much preferred flowers over candy. There have been very few times in my life when I have received flowers even though girls are supposed to get them often...so they're like a fantasy gift to me. 

I blame grade school. Back then, they set it up where parents and friends could purchase balloons and/or flowers and have them delivered in class on Valentine's Day. I never got anything, but naturally the most popular girls whose parents fawned over them had their desks covered in random goodies. I was always envious, not that I would have admitted it back then. {sigh}

After he got home, I tried to nap again, but still no luck. Tossed and turned for an hour before I gave up. We left around 9:45pm to head to Knoxville and grabbed food on the way. My head was killing me and all the lights from cars, street lamps, even signs along the road seemed very bright, to the point that it hurt my eyes. Alex said it was a hunger headache since we usually eat around six or seven, not ten. He had finished his McDonald's by the time I got to Burger King to get my food so I had him take over driving. Within about ten minutes of starting my mean, I felt way better so I guess Alex was right.
 We arrived at the Pinnacle theater in Turkey Creek around 11pm. There were news crews there interviewing some of the dressed up people. Lots of hustle and bustle. We went to the theater reserved for the Star 102.1 winners to find it was already mostly full. I was annoyed, but took a seat up front and began Facebook posting about my annoyance. 

No spoilers here. The movie was excellent. I had worried I would fall asleep during it since I was so tired, but no way. It kept me totally enthralled. My ass did fall asleep though so I was ready to go by the time it finally ended.

Alex drove home. Didn't take me long to fall asleep naturally. I did wake up once, but managed to get back into dream world fairly easily. I felt Alex get up at 7:30am. I was amazed, but went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 8:30am, I grabbed my phone to go through messages and such. Suddenly, I felt movement next to me and heard a sound and dang near came off the bed. I jerked around to see Alex in bed with me. Apparently, he had only gotten up for a moment earlier and I had managed to fall back asleep before he had returned.

And that concludes my Thursday. :)

Thursday the 18th, Part 1

Thursday was not especially a great day. I had my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to be preformed at 7:30am at the UT Hospital. I had to be there at 7am so I woke up at 5:30am. That's only an hour earlier than usual, but since we were going to the midnight Harry Potter movie, that extra hour would have been nice.

Anyways, Alex had printed MapQuest directions for me the night before. I never saw the road it said to turn on, but luckily I saw the blue "H" signs and was able to get there. Once I arrived I was still lost though. I had no idea where to go. I had been told to go into the hospital to the admissions office. None of the signs outside where best to go to get to that point. I parked in a visitor lot in front of the "Heart, Lung, and Vascular" building. From outside, I could see a corridor connecting that building to another. So I went in and up the elevator to the second floor. A sign in the corridor said "Hospital: This Way" so I went that way. After my trek, I rode another elevator down that put me in front of the gift shop. A little more trekking around finally brought me to my destination. They certainly don't make it easy there.

I checked in and waited in my first of three waiting rooms for the day. I wasn't there long. I was admitted shortly after some brief insurance problems. That has prompted us to go ahead get my name changed. It's just too much confusion between what's legal, what the clinic calls me, and what the insurance calls me. Since I didn't know where to go the girl who checked me in said she would walk me there. What she meant was walk me to the door and point me in the right direction. That was okay though since it was a straight shot to the Radiology department.

The girl working the Radiology desk was very nice. She gave me a few forms to fill out and then I took a seat in waiting room # 2. Then the girl led me to a changing room, gave me paper pants and a gown and told me I could put my stuff in a locker. It took me quite a bit to figure out the gown. The three arm holes and lack of a belt through me off. Something finally clicked and I realized it was supposed to be wrapped around you and your first arm was going to go through the first hole and then again through the third hole. Challenge complete. I put my stuff in a locker and headed to my final waiting room.

Another nice girl came to collect me, but told me to get all my stuff and bring it with me. That was a little annoying. I should have been told that to begin with, but whatever. I got my stuff and followed her to the room where my procedure was to take place. I sat in a chair there and waited for Dr. Keenan. I was a little nervous because I was told I would end up cramping, but no worse than menstrual cramps. I didn't know if that was a normal woman's menstrual cramps or my PMDD cramps that can damn near put me on the floor in tears. I was told to take Advil or Aleve before hand so I made sure to do so. Not sure it helped though.

The Dr. arrived, I hopped up on the table and settled in. He got started with inserting random things into me which, while uncomfortable, was not painful. Then he got ready to insert the contrast fluid and told me I would feel cramping. I was under the impression the cramping would be after the procedure so I was surprised to hear this, but readied myself for the unexpected.

OMG! It wasn't as bad as my normal cramps, but damn close! After a few minutes, I became sure I was going to throw up. The procedure did not last long, but it felt like forever. It was finally over and I felt a cord being pulled out of me in a quick manner. It made me think of a magician pulling all the colored handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. I was lead to the bathroom, given some info on what to expect for the next couple days due to the procedure, and sent on my way home. I was told I would cramp til noon. That may have been the worst of it, but it came and went all day.

So that sucked, but the Dr. said it went well. There was one tube that was slow to open, but it was open now so that would help increase our chances. I may have to go through hell and back, but eventually I'm going to have a baby. Women who get pregnant easily just don't understand. Telling me it's going to be hard to have a baby, hard to raise one. For me, all that would be a blessing, not a hardship. This is my trials and tribulations now. A child would be the good thing that comes of it. We are in a good place in our lives to be having a child. Comparing us to oneself who got knocked up and without any stable income is not an accurate comparison. 

Sorry for that mini-rant. Anyways, I went home and tried to nap a few times before Alex got home. Our vents were making noises though and kept me from falling asleep. So I wasted the day away and sleepily waited for my honey to come home.

Wednesday the 17th, Part 2

After our appointment, we headed to Best Buy to check out their TVs. As we walked up I saw a 60" on a stand. I pointed to it and said, "I want that one," and then went back to reading the info on IUI that I had brought in with me. Alex looked at the one I had pointed to and then at the one next to it and said, "I want that one!" Something in his voice told me told me that I would be seeing something humorous. Sure enough, I looked and started cracking up. It was a massive 82". It was actually so big that it was funny! It was also 3D. With the way we have things set up in the living room, we would be sitting so close to the screen that we might as well be in the movie. We both agreed it was ridiculous and moved on. 

 After our TV shopping, we went to the Star 102.1 studio to pick up Alex's prizes. Then we went to Sevierville to drop my prescriptions off at Walgreens. While that was being done, we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries and to look at their TVs. We decided we liked their prices better than Best Buy's. We should probably check K-Mart, too, since they have layaway. 

Anyways, we headed back to Walgreens to pick up the prescriptions. The pharmacist we worked with was rude, not just to us, to everyone. He had the demeanor I have on work days when I just don't want to deal with people. So I didn't mind his attitude. I understood it. In the end, he was helpful because he went through a ton of BS with our insurance people. So that was nice.

While we were there waiting, Alex got a phone call. He didn't recognize the number, but answered it anyways. It was a good thing he did because it was the company he interviewed with and they offered him the job! Yay! He finally has a job where he will only be working during scheduled hours, where he won't be the only one who knows how to do things, and where he will be getting paid appropriately for it. I couldn't be more pleased and proud. He'll be starting that in December.

So Wednesday was a wonderful day! Lots of excitement for future possibilities.

Wednesday the 17th, Part 1

On Wednesday the 17th, Alex and I woke up at our normal time to get to a 9am appointment at the SCFRS. Morning is apparently their busy time. A woman was in the waiting room when we arrived, another couple arrived after us, and two other patients checked out while we waited. 

I sat where I had sat before so I could look at the winter scene painting that hung on the wall. There were two deer in the painting, but I didn't remember them from last time. Makes me wonder if I was that distracted last time that I didn't notice the two largest objects in the picture. Maybe next time I go there will be something else new in the picture.

We were called in and Mary the nurse took down our latest info. Then we sat and waited for Dr. Keenan. Our visit was short. He went over all out results and then laid out the game plan for us. I'm now taking Clomid again, as well as a low dose steroid and something for my glucose level (not sure about the last one. It was prescribed after we left due to some test results they had been waiting on from Leconte). Alex has to give up another "specimen" for morphology studying. I am scheduled for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) for 7:30 in the am on Thursday. Then when I get a positive OPK, I get to call and make an appointment for the next morning. That morning, Alex will put another specimen in a cup and we'll head to the office. His little guys will get washed while I get prepped and then the IUI (intrauterine insemination) will take place. Yep, already going for the big bucks and hoping for no whammies. It's an aggressive step this early in our TTC journey, but considering our ages it's probably good to do so. 

I shall once again remain optimistic. Each chance gets better than the last one.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Jalopy Blog!

11-15-10

So we had a fairly uneventful weekend, but that was perfectly fine. We left work around 2:30pm on Friday. It was probably the only time Alex has ever been okay with getting our before our usual quitting time. I think he was just anxious, waiting for a call from his prospective employer and didn't want to be waiting at his current job.

He never received a call, but a quick call to them today let him know they ended up having a few more days of interviews and that he was still in the running. That news made us both happy. We really need him to get this. It would ease our financial burden and the stress that comes with his current position.

I am still on a quest for a suitable position of my own. I had found two promising ads, but didn't even get a phone call about either. Our Coca-Cola sales person was talking about how much she loved her job so I jokingly, and without even thinking, asked if they were hiring. She said they were and that they were probably going to be doing a lot of hiring come January because of a merger. So that's something to look into. There is also a retail management position at a local thrift store. Would not be the best job, but it would be closer to home, I wouldn't be annoyed by groups of 400 kids on what should be a slow day, and I would be helping people. People would come there to get what they need at a fair price. I wouldn't be selling over-priced products to over-weight people and contributing to childhood obesity.

Alex, loving and smart husband that he is, called the "Marc, Kim, and Frank Show" on Star 102.1 to play "Her vs. Him, Marc vs. Kim" and won us tickets to the midnight premier of "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1." He was brilliant of course and won by like 11-3. He knew how badly I wanted to see the movie on opening night.

Odd as it may seem, Alex had only seen one HP movie and that's because I rented it after reading the book. Luckily, we got some help in getting him caught up. ABC was having a 4-day special. We missed the first movie, but did catch "Chamber of Secrets" and "Prisoner of Azkaban." "Goblet of Fire" was the one he watched when I rented it and tonight we'll watch "Order of the Phoenix." That will leave only "The Half-Blood Prince" to watch. We'll have to rent it because I believe he needs to see it to follow the new movie. I'm super-excited about getting to see the new one!
I think the whole TTC thing has caused me to super-emotional. I assume you've all seen the Disney commercials where the parents tell their kids that they're going to Disney World. Yeah, those commercials make me tear up. I ended up in tears watching "Alias," as well. A flashback of a couple having lost their baby after birth and a scene in which  a father was unknowingly telling his daughter how much she meant to him totally got to me. I remember seeing these episodes before and I did not cry. So obviously, I have changed.

I realize this blog has been so all over the place and I apologize if it is hard to follow.

I'm finally over my winter-cold (mostly). I still have a slight cough and my nose is runny at times, but generally good now. I have been sleeping through the night again and for that I'm exceedingly thankful. Alex, lucky boy, never got worse than a sore throat and a couple days of coughing.

Alex and I went through all of books and picked some to keep and some to get rid of. There was a lot in both categories. Luckily, a Facebook post about it allowed us to find homes for quite a few of the books. So that was good. Our backroom is actually beginning to look like a room rather than a storage area. It's the room I plan to make a nursery so I want it perfect. We even bought a bookshelf for the room. It's not straight, but it does work.  

Well, I guess that is all for this jalopy of a blog.

Good News, Veteran's Day, and Fantasies

11-11-10

It's generally a good day today. We got the results back from Alex's analysis and it was mostly good news. A couple things were below normal, but one abnormality was actually canceled out by another factor that was above normal. The other is not something that is uncommon and not something that will keep us from getting pregnant. We were told the doc will discuss our options at our next visit on the 17th.

My cramps ended up continuing so it's pretty definite that this time was a no-go. AF isn't here yet, but she's packing her bags. I did a count though and if AF arrives next week and I get pregnant this cycle, we'll reach 40 weeks about a week before the wedding. I read that most births happen between 36-38 weeks. However, I'm not sure if statistics are up due to inductions. That would be good to have the baby around 37 weeks, because I definitely couldn't have her late.

My cold is finally starting to let go of me. Been sick since last Friday. I slept through the night for the first time in over a week. It was great! I didn't wake up once. Oddly enough, it was also the first night I didn't take medicine before bed. Perhaps they're not as helpful as I previously thought.

It's also Veteran's Day today, a day set aside to remind us thank our service people for protecting our freedoms...and our oil...and other countries. Anyways, perhaps it should be a semi-annual occurrence since too often people forget the other 364 days of the year. For all they do, surely 2 days isn't asking too much.

There was a service at work held today. So there were quite a few men in uniform around. Back in the day, this would have meant tons of eye candy. Interestingly enough, I learned just how attracted to my man I am. There was a line of about seven or eight of these guys leaning on a railing, looking dashing. As I looked at them, I had only one thought, "Man, Alex would look good in one of those uniforms." :)

That reminded me, I caught the end of the Tyra Show and they were discussing sexual fantasies. Apparently, the profession most often fantasized about by women is a fireman. I guess because of the whole damsel in distress/whit knight complex. However, I can honestly say I have never fantasized about a fireman. I think the whole uniform and charred skin just does not do it for me. I don't know. 

Tyra was surprised to learn that the naughty situation most often fantasized about by women was to perform a dirty striptease. She thought it was wrong to have a woman's fantasy be about pleasing a guy, but she's thinking about it wrong. It's not about pleasing a guy. It's about being dominant and being desirable. The women who are strippers know how to work their body and they exude confidence. It may be pleasing to the men, but the girl is in control. It's definitely easy to understand a woman fantasizing about having that siren-like moment. Most women are not confident about their bodies so it's a fantasy to be able to feel confident and desirable to such a degree that their men is completely in their control.What women would not want that?

Good Things To Come?

11-8-10

Well, I may have had a good sign. Last night when I laid down to go to bed, I started cramping, but it wasn't like normal AF cramps. It was sharp and only lasted a few minutes. I had them again this morning. I haven't had them again since.

According to my "My Days" app, I'm only 3 days away from AF, but that is if my cycle goes 35 days. Last cycle was 41 days. Considering I haven't had any other cramping, I believe it is safe to say my cycle will be longer than 35 days. I normally cramp around 5 days leading up to AF.

It also shows yesterday to be 10dpo. That's around the time that implantation occurs. Implantation cramping is described as a slight, but brief cramping, lasting no more than 2 days. Now, it's true that our chances are slim this cycle, but I can't help but at least give a shot at optimism. Even though we only have a slim chance, that chance is still higher than on any previous attempt.

Assuming that AF doesn't show, I plan to take my pregnancy test at 18dpo. I really want to add "and not a day sooner," but I can't guarantee that. That would be November 15th, two days before our return visit to the fertility doctor. A week from today. Can I survive 7 days? Probably not. Insanity seems imminent, but alas, I shall try.

There's also another wait Alex and I are in, though unlike the 2ww it's an outcome he actually cares about. He had an interview last week that went well. He was told he would hear from them by the end of this week. What a dream come true that would be! He would finally be away from his under-paying, over-working, life-draining job. We'd be able to have a romantic night together without his phone blowing up due to calls and e-mails. We could go on a vacation and actually BE ON VACATION! The last vacation we went on, a week in Disney World, he was still being e-mailed and expected to fix things...from 14 hours away, ON VACATION! I took him to a cabin for a romantic weekend one time. A mere two nights away and he was getting e-mailed and had to fix things.
I think I will enjoy working there after he leaves, just because I'll get to see the IT department implode. No one will be able to call him. No one else knows what to do. Quite a few of the reports they have set up are ones that he wrote. They won't know how to update it when prices chance. Errors will start appearing all over the place and it will suddenly be obvious exactly how over-worked, under-paid, and definitely under-appreciated Alex was, not to mention how incapable and unwilling to learn his employees are. Yes, that will be enjoyable to witness. 

I was just thinking...the phone he has is a company phone. I have an extra line on my plan. He should take that line and that number so the random folks from here who have his current number won't be able to reach him. I think I will tell him that when I see him in a bit.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Son Of A....Alex?

I managed to snag myself a cold Friday. I think it was when I was walking to the car after leaving work. It sucks. I get this cold generally once a season. I just had it in September. I normally am fine until late December or early January. Ugh!

Yesterday, we went to the 7 Mile Yardsale on 411. It was a lot of fun. We picked up quite a few teacups and tea accessories for wedding decor. I think we spent a whopping $13. I also got a water urn that I LOVE! It was my favorite piece. Here's a couple pics:

Needless to say, being out in the yuckiness and cold that was yesterday did not improve my cold any. I actually ended up gaining a fever and, man, it did a number on my dreams last night.

Many things went on, including being at a formal dinner with my Grandma and her talking about how disappointed she was that none of her offspring took up a salt-water aquarium. There was another dinner, at IHOP, where we were to celebrate the wedding of my former brother-in-law and his bride. IHOP was in my dream before that, as well, when Alex pointed one out to me and wanted to eat there.

The craziest part(s) was all about Alex though. We were at a party, chatting about something and he somehow let it slip that he had a three year old son. I was obviously shocked. I was like, "What? You have a son? With who?" People at the party thought I was over-reacting since it was a relationship from the past and that he was now with me. I didn't care about that. I said, "That doesn't matter! We've been together for over a year and he never told me had a son!" (The kid was always referred to as son, never child or kid.) Alex told me it was with a girl he had known in college; she was an RA at that time and then mentioned that she actually lived in the area she always had (by the college). 

That made me jump up. I was again like, "WHAT?!? You see them?!?" (In real life, the night before Alex had come late from helping his mom move stuff. That carried over into my dream apparently.) Then I remember his coming home late. "Is that why you were late last night? Did you go over there?" He started to lie, but then said, "Yes." I was livid!!!!

Then the scene changed and I was at a movie theater. The movie had just finished and I was trying to get out and away from Alex. People were trying to calm me down because, apparently, it was not that big of a deal. I eventually told myself that there was no way this could be real. It had to be a dream.

And I woke up. I was laying in bed, Alex next to me. Light was shining into the room, which should have told me something was not right. (We have a black out curtain in our bedroom.) I turned and looked at Alex who was awake. I asked, "Do you have a son?"and he said, "Yes." I asked, "Is that why you were late last night?" and he again said, "Yes." We went through the whole thing again. Me crying, yelling, asking "what the hell?," and him trying to explain. Once again, I convinced myself that what was going on was not real, that I had to be dreaming. 

I woke up again and was alone in the bedroom this time. I went into the living room and Alex was standing at the computer, going through some stuff. I immediately went into to my questions again. And just like before he answered yes to both my questions. At this point, I was aggravated that I wasn't waking up.
And I woke up again. For real this time, I promise. It was extremely dark in the room, but I felt Alex beside me. I checked the time on my phone. It was only 5:12am. Too early to ask him about a son. So I tried to sleep, but my cold was keeping me up. After about an hour, I grabbed up my cover and pillows and headed to the living room couch. Alex got up soon after and came in the living room to kiss me good morning. Despite the incredible pain it caused me to speak, after I got my kiss I immediately asked, "Do you have a son?" He started laughing and said, "No. Why? Did you have a dream?" I nodded yes and he asked if it was because of an episode of "Two and Half Men" that we watched where Charlie thought he had son. I said, "Maybe."

I think a large part of it was simply him coming home late last night. I was tired and had taken some cough medicine by the time he got home. So I wasn't able to be appropriately mad at him so I just did so in my dream. :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What a Capitol Idea!


About two weeks ago, Alex and I went to The Capitol Theatre to see what it was like and to check pricing for having our wedding there. I can describe the place in three letters: O.M.G! I used to live in Maryville and the theatre is on one of the main roads, Broadway Ave (could there be a better street for a theatre?) so I've driven by it numerous times. I had never really looked at it though. The outside, while definitely capturing that 1920s feel, does not due justice to the theatre itself. (By the way, I know I'm spelling it "theatre" instead of "theater." That's how it's spelled in their name and that's how I will spell it throughout this blog.)


Walking into the lobby, you see the art all over the walls, the splashes of red throughout, and you just get this feeling...an excitement in your stomach, like you just know you're stepping back in time and something magical is before you. Once you're inside, the outside world no longer exists. You are somewhere else and completely immersed in what you see.

While in the lobby, Debbie, the wonderfully sweet and gracious event coordinator of The Capitol, told us a little about the history of the theatre. We were shown The Capitol Coffee Shop and were told that it would be open to our guests on our wedding night. She let us know that there was a woman's area upstairs and a man-cave downstairs for getting ready. There was a lovely table right outside the doors to the theatre that she said was often used for gifts.

Throughout all this, the theatre doors had been shut. I swear, every step closer we got the more the excitement and the anticipation grew within me. I had seen pictures, but I just knew it was going to be something different to see it in person. Then it was time. Debbie reached for the door handle and as she pulled the door open said, "Welcome to The Capitol."

While planning this wedding I have found something to be true on numerous occasions. No matter what you're looking for, be it venue, cake, dress, or centerpieces, you will hem and haw over dozens of options and you'll become convinced you'll never be able to make a decision. Then, you will see THE dress, THE cake, and you will just know because your breath will be taken away. It happened for me when I walked into The Capitol Theatre.

The walls are draped in lush, red curtains, silver topped tables with black, comfy-looking chairs were placed along the middle and bottom tier, the stage ahead had the same velvety red curtains covering it. Across the curtains, written in lighting was, "Welcome, (my name) and Alex." On either side of the stage were large monitors, each displaying the same welcome message. The top tier, where we stood, had tables for the buffet, cake, and drinks, and with the same silver tops as the dining tables.


Debbie introduced us to the DJ and for the life of me I can't remember his name. I want to say it started with an "E," maybe Ethan or Evan. Then again, I was convinced that the song I was trying to think of yesterday had "Black" in the title. Other than that all I knew was that Led Zeppelin was the artist. Turned out the title was "D'yer Mak'er" so I could be way off on his name.

Anyways, he was going to give us a demo of what all he could do with the sounds, lights, and video. We took a seat in the middle tier and the show began. The lights dimmed and over the amazingly clear sound system came the opening notes to Etta James's "At Last." The curtains opened to display the twinkling starlight screen that would be the backdrop for our ceremony. A disco ball began to slowly twirl, casting little sparkles all over the theatre and soft blue lights covered the dance floor . I actually had tears well in my eyes. It was so beautiful and it was so easy to imagine us there on the floor, in our wedding attire, friends and family smiling upon us as we danced.

The the music slowly transitioned. The monitors came alive with the image of a man on a stage. The theatre's 30' movie screen came down and the image was there, as well. I realized the song was "Sway" and the man on the screen was Michael Buble. I am a huge fan of his songs and "Sway" is a song we've been considering for our first dance. The dance floor lit up with pink lights and multi-colored party lights displayed glowing images on the dance floor and the walls. More songs played and we saw a dazzling display of multi-colored lights, flood lighting, starlights, and even laser images being drawn on the ceiling. I was in awe.

The last song was "Time of My Life" and it was played to romantic scenes from a black and white movie. "Congratulations, (my name) and Alex" went scrolling across the screen, written by a green laser light. The curtains began to close and the onscreen couple were seen dancing on the red curtains. The scene faded with the music and the lights came back up. We were sold.

And the tour wasn't over!

From there, Debbie took us down to the bottom tier, the dance floor and explained to us how the ceremony usually takes place, where our attendants and we would enter. Next location was downstairs in the man-cave.

Wow! She said it wasn't unheard of for men to not want to leave the man-cave for the wedding above. I can see why. There were two poker tables, a pool table, a dart board, and a board room style table and chairs. All that was missing was a 60" TV on the wall.

From the man-cave in the basement, we headed to the top floor to see the bridal balcony. While not quite as impressive as the man-cave, it was still lovely. The walls were black except for red curtains that hung around a smaller version of their huge silver screen. There were over stuffed couches and chairs in red covers placed about. Two windows over looked the theatre below so if I wanted I could see people as they were getting seated. It was lovely.

We headed back downstairs and discussed numbers which, while very reasonable, is more than we have. I'm putting my car up for sale though so hopefully that will give us more than enough for our wedding. I cannot imagine having it anywhere else now.


The total for the venue and food was about $1500 more than the venue & food we had originally chose. However, the original venue was just that, just venue and food, nothing else. We still needed a lighting person and a DJ, and those alone would hit the $1500 mark. I also needed chair covers and sashes, tablecloths, centerpieces, people to set it all up, people to take it all down. Having all those costs included in one price made it a steal, especially since it stole our hearts.

A Great Mother-Daughter Day

A while back, mom invited me out for a mother-daughter day. She offered to take us to a spa for a massage. Naturally, I love Spa Visage, but I didn't think there was any chance of us getting in on that day. She gave them a call and got us both in for a 90-minute massage. I was super stoked! 

So we headed up to Spa Visage. Upon our arrival, we went through the usual start up. Shown into the dressing area, given shoes, a robe, and shown a locker to put our stuff in. I love their dressing area. It's as lovely as the rest of the place.

After putting on my robe, I headed into the Gathering Room, a cozy room with soft lighting and soft music. Mom was already there. I grabbed a small glass of lemon water and sat down to wait on my masseuse. She arrived shortly. Her name was Lori McNabb (spelling might be wrong) and she seemed very pleasant. We headed to one of the rooms and she asked me the standard questions: What kind of massage do you prefer? Any place you want extra work done on? Any places to avoid? I told her about how every massage has always left me with a hurt lower neck. So she said she would avoid that area. Then she left so I could get disrobed and climb up on their wonderfully cushy table.  

While massages are always good, she gave the best one EVER! I mean really! And not just because it was the first time I had ever made it through a massage without getting hurt. She really did do an amazing job. Also, something she used had lemon grass in it and I really liked that. 

The only draw back was that about halfway though, out of nowhere some insanely loud noise started up. I don't know what it was or where it was coming from. It sounded like some major machinery starting up in the next room or something. That made it kind of hard to enjoy my relaxing experience, but I definitely tried hard to block it from my brain.

As before, after the massage I got dressed and Lori was waiting right outside the door with a cup of water. I love that gesture. It really is little things like that that make a business stand out. She led me back to the Gathering Room and from there I went back to the dressing area. I got dressed and fixed my hair. Then Mom and I headed out.

I asked if we could head over to Market Square because there was a store that I wanted to go in. The only time I'm ever in the area is to see Einstein Simplified and at that time the store is closed. My friend A was the one who had told me about it and actually pointed it out the first night we were up there. It's called  Reruns and it's a "vintage" consignment shop. I put vintage in quotes, because very little of the products could actually be considered vintage. Also, for a consignment shop, their prices are a little on the steep side. I'm not paying $20 for a pair of old jeans. I can get new jeans for that. Anyways,...

We walked around and checked out a couple of other shops and then decided to have some lunch. Our restaurant of choice was The Tomato Head. Mom decided on a slice of pizza and I chose a sandwich, the one named after the restaurant, Tomato Head, but without the tomatoes. It's really fun as a female to say, "I just want Head."

There was a small band playing outside. I wish I would have found out some information on them so I could tell you something. I know nothing other than they were playing in front of The Tomato Head on a Wednesday afternoon. Maybe you can catch them there at the time again. I don't know. They all brought their dogs with them. I have no idea why. One girl was playing the saw and I thought that was awesome! I had never seen it done. I knew it could be, but that was the first time I'd seen or heard it in person.

Wonderful lunch in our tummies, we headed home. It was a great day and I definitely thank my mom since she paid for everything. It was only a few weeks back, but I'm definitely thinking I would love to head back to the spa, especially now since I found a masseuse that won't leave me in pain. But alas, I have no money of my own and any money we do have needs to be saved for the wedding. 

Speaking of the wedding, I have an upcoming blog that will showcase the place we're getting married at. It's fantastic and you won't want to miss it!

Recovering After The Storm

From 10-29-10
I'm feeling quite exhausted today. Yesterday was obviously a very emotionally trying day and I'm definitely feeling the effects today. 

Not much to report. No real changes in life since my last post (that we know of anyway). Alex and I did have a little tiff today when he mentioned possibly staying at the job he has, but getting to corporate level. I was NOT okay with that. At his current job, he gets walked all over. His pay is nowhere near what it should be considering all he does and his time is here. With that in mind, staying with this company is not the best idea, especially when we want to have a child. It would also require us to move from a seasonal tourist area to a year-long tourist area. While I would love the warmer weather and being within a few hours drive of the beach, I would not enjoy whatever degrading, demeaning, and useless job that I would have to endure. I also believe there is a larger crime rate in that state than in Tennessee. Not the best option for raising a child, assuming you have an option.

I've gotten to where I really don't like being at my job, even when I get to do office work. It's all meaningless and not fun. I miss having a job where I can laugh with people I like about life occurrences. Nowadays, the majority of people here just want to complain about how so-&-so isn't doing their job or talk about how their own job is so hard. I would never say my job is hard. It's so easy there are actually automated machines that do what I do. Hence, lack of meaning.

Think I will take a break. More to come though.

Disaster in Positiveland

From the evening of 10-28

So as excited as I was today, apparently it was all for not. As soon as I got home I took another test just to make sure that I hadn't somehow messed up the first one. It was positive, as well. So it was true; things were a go.


I spent quite a bit of time today reading on the "now what" part of a positive OPK. Apparently, we're supposed to have sex three days in a row, take one day off, then do it again on the fifth day for good measure. I knew that was going to be difficult because Alex is not like most guys. Most guys can orgasm twice in one night at least. I think there may have been one time where he orgasmed once on consecutive nights. Basically, it takes him longer than most guys to refuel. Where as a normal guy can be fully recharged, ready to go 24 hours later, he generally takes 36-48 hours. While it makes working towards a baby more difficult, I didn't dwell on it much.

Especially once I got my positive OPK. I checked my "My Days" app and saw that it had been three days since we'd last had sex. That was awesomeness! That meant he had plenty of time to build up his best swimmers and would most certainly orgasm tonight. I wasn't even counting on the tomorrow. I thought, if we could just get tonight and the day after tomorrow that should do it.

I drove home in a state of bliss!

Alex was off today, but I'd sent him a text with the picture of my positive. He said, "Yay." At home, I asked about his day and listened to all he'd done. Suddenly, I had a horrible thought. I asked, "Did you look at naked girls today?" He said, "Yeah, a bit." (He knows I don't mind him doing that. Any guy who says he doesn't is lying.) I almost pleaded as I asked the next question, "You didn't get off, did you?" He hesitated, then stuttered as he said, "No, of course not."

He was lying. I called him on it.

So now, what am I supposed to do? We put so much effort into this. I went to doctor, had all that stuff done to me, took the Clomid, took prenatal vitamins, peed on a stick every fucking day, waiting for the positive that I FINALLY got. He had NOTHING done to him! We even put off the semen analysis so we wouldn't have any go to waste in case I ovulated. All he had to do was bring the sperm! That's all! He couldn't fucking manage that!

I feel sick. I really do. I feel like I've been cheated on. The closest I've ever felt to this is when a guy I was in love with started propositioning one of my friends. I guess it's similar. I may not have been cheated on, but I definitely feel cheated. I want to throw up.

This was also the last month we had to get pregnant and still manage to have the baby before the wedding. I thought we really had a chance.

I guess we'll try tomorrow and maybe on the fourth day. Assuming I can quit being mad long enough to do so. I told him, without feeling any guilt while speaking, that if I didn't get pregnant this month, I was putting the whole blame on him. I did everything I could and succeeded. He had one job.

My perfect mood has turned into hopelessness and despair, I don't know what to do. I'm so hurt and angry and scared and confused. Why did this happen?

UPDATE: We did manage to get one time so hopefully that was enough. I also told Alex that if we didn't get pregnant I was taking most of the blame off him and putting it on our workplace. They decided to mess stuff up and change the schedule around and that give him a day off without my supervision (said tongue in cheek). We're in the two week wait now and hoping for a miracle.

Positive OPK!!

From 10-28-10

As you know, we've been going through quite a bit to get pregnant, including a trip to a fertility center, getting poked, pushed, prodded, and probed, and being put on Clomid to induce ovulation. Women go through multiple cycles of Clomid and may not ovulate. Each cycle the dosage is upped in hopes of a positive OPK.

I'm becoming the master of not getting my hopes up. The doc said I wasn't ovulating and I'm use to seeing negative OPKs so I went into this knowing it could take a while. There was also the fact that I started taking it late in this cycle. I read that the average for when you ovulate is 5-10 days after your last Clomid pill. Today, exactly five days after my last pill, I got my very first positive OPK! Yay! I could barely believe it. Yesterday, my saliva OPK showed what looked to me like the transition phase, but this morning it was the same as always.

I went on lunch break and the first place I went was into the bathroom for my daily POAS. I didn't feel like wasting my break time for a negative. So I capped the test and carefully put it in my purse. I was super careful not to jostle my purse as I headed to the office where I have my lunch.

I spent a few minutes talking to a co-worker and then headed to the office for some privacy in viewing my OPK. Unfortunately, there was someone in there so I had to look down into my purse in a stealthy manner, like I was just looking for something. There it was. The Holy Smiley Face of Ovulation!

I just stared at it. I had never seen a positive ANYTHING ever! I still keep looking at the picture, barely believing it, expecting to look at it and see the usual black circle because surely the light was playing tricks on my eyes.

I know I shouldn't get too excited. It's not a positive HPT after all, but it's a huge step. I couldn't ovulate and now I am. Before, I didn't have a chance at getting pregnant. Now, I do. Four months we tried and never got pregnant, obviously because we couldn't. This, our fifth month, may be the month when we finally have everything working and know there is an egg being released. And we've gone about three days without baby dancing so with all that build up, our chances will be increased. It's just knowing that I do and still have eggs and the chances of me carrying my own child is much greater now.

I have a lot to think about and a lot to read up on. Who knew I would ever get past the OPK part?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Movin' On Out!

I have decided I would like to move. I'm honestly not too hung up on where, just so long as I can find a job that does not depend on seasonal tourists for the majority of the customers. The constant flux has finally wore me down. I'm tired of dealing with it. And though I'm sure we'll have a kid before we move, working in a facility that caters to families while dealing with infertility and trying to conceive is just more than anyone should have to bear.

I've set a goal of five years. By 2015, I would like to be living in a decent 3 or 4 bedroom home with a nice sized, fenced-in yard. For work, I would prefer to be doing something I enjoy and that doesn't stress me out, or even better, be a stay-at-home mom, though that's probably just a fairy tale thought. People who can do not realize how lucky they are. It takes a shit-ton of money coming in and I just don't believe we'll ever be that lucky. Anyways, I would settle for something I don't like if I had to. It's not like I believe I will ever get to raise horses or get to do this blog as a living or anything. I've spent my life doing what I need to do to keep on keeping on so I will be surprised if that aspect is different in five years.

So there are quite a few more blogs on the way. I have yet to type up the fun I had on last GNO. It's written and sitting here though I'm not sure if I will be able to get it up tonight or not. I have a lot do. I also have yet to even write up a blog about the great mother-daughter day I had the week before last. Hopefully, if the stuff doesn't make it up tonight it will be up on Wednesday. I'm not making any promises though! Life is full of twists and turns and who knows what Wednesday might actually bring. Fingers crossed for a calm day of Sevier life though.

Blast From the Past

I had a nice little happening at work last week. A couple came up to the area I was working and when I looked over I got quite a surprise. The guy was someone I had started dating over a year ago. It was interesting to me since this guy has disappeared off the face of the earth. Things between us had been going okay. The only issue was his slutty female friend.

My friends and I referred to her as Zoo York because every time we saw her she was wearing the same shirt, a too tight tee that had Zoo York printed on the front. She always made a show of rubbing up on my guy, grabbing his nipples, and flirting outrageously with him. She almost got her ass drug out the door and beat. My friends watched her actions one night and it was so bad that I actually just walked out. They were as livid as I was and told me to come back in because she knew it was getting to me and she liked that. And also, if I decided I wanted to kick her ass they would all back me up. 

As we were leaving the bar that night, he asked what as up with me and I told him straight up that I did not like her and they way she was with him. He needed to make her stop. He didn't see the issue, but said he would talk to her. That should have been a huge red flag waving in my face, showing me that he was not the guy for me. If a man does not care that another chick's actions upsets you, he does not care about you. A guy friend of mine hadn't trusted him from the second he met him. He told me that he had a bad feeling about the guy, that he wasn't a good guy. I really should have trusted his instincts.

Anyways, she backed off a bit (a very little bit) and just took to casting snide comments my way when he and I were together. You know the kind of comments, to the casual listener they seem innocent enough, but you hear the venom and sarcasm loud and clear. He and I were okay other wise though.

I told him I was going to be out of touch for a day or so because I was going to a friend's birthday party out of town. I told him when I would be back, he said he'd talk to me then, and off I went. Two days after I got back, I still had not heard from him so I called and left a message on his machine. After a little over a week, a friend and I went to the bar that he would go to every night after he got off work. It was actually the place where we met, where he came on to me. Anyways, he never showed and one of the waitresses who knew we'd been seeing each other said she hadn't seen him in a week. I chalked it up to a lesson learned.
At first, when I saw him at work, I wanted to just dissolve, become invisible, disappear, but unfortunately that was not an option. I know because I actually looked around for a place to disappear into despite knowing full well there was no such place in my vicinity. But then I realized, I had no reason to hide. He was the dick. I did nothing wrong.

So I stood there while he and the unattractive blond (not saying it to be spiteful; as a bi woman, I'm perfectly capable of being objective of other women and there's not enough money in the world to make me think she's mildly pretty, let alone do anything to her) he was with made their choices. As he handed me the money, I made sure to lock eyes with him. I saw the flash of recognition, but like me he kept any trace of acknowledgment off his face.
As they walked away, I just smiled and shook my head. A year ago, making a scene might have been fun, but since I'm perfectly happy doing so would have just been senseless. He is as cute as I remember, but seeing him with the girl, seeing his standards fall so low, made me glad that he disappeared from my life so long ago.

Bring In The Professionals!

Well, since ranting and raving won't get me pregnant (no matter how good at it I am), we went to The Southeastern Center for Fertility and Reproductive Surgery on the 18th.

It took us a while to find the place because Google gave me the wrong address. We weren't horribly late though and we weren't scolded so I guess it was okay. We walked into a nice, moderate sized waiting room and was immediately greeted by the receptionist. She was happy to find we had all necessary paperwork filled out and ready. (Yay! Gold star for us!) She made copies of our drivers licenses, insurance card, and marriage certificate (they only treat married couples) and then had us take a seat. I was feeling a mix of nervousness and excitement as I waited, staring at the winter-scene painting hung on the wall across from me. Our wait was thankfully short.

We were led into a small exam room where a nurse asked us questions about my cycle, how long we'd been trying to conceive, and general health info. Then she took our picture...I'm not sure why. She told us the doctor would be in shortly to take us to his office and talk to us. I felt kinda like a kid waiting in the office to speak to the principle. Dr. Keener entered and introduced himself to us and, as the nurse said, led us to his office.

There was a Victorian-style love seat in front of his desk where we were to sit. I thought that was a lot better than two separate office style chairs. The patients come in as a couple and they will treat you as a couple. We spent about 15 minutes talking to him, answering his questions. He was thorough. When he asked about my BBT charting, I showed him the one I have on my phone (for all Android users, it's an app called My Days and it's great for tracking your cycle, whether trying to conceive or not). He said that judging from that it looked like I hadn't been ovulating (one of my fears). We were then led to another exam room where I was told to strip from the waste down. 

Now, I have never been to a gyno in my life. Never had insurance so I never could, not that I ever had a reason, too. So this was a whole new experience for me. Considering that, I believe I would have had every right to have been nervous and/or terrified, but I wasn't. I was scared they would find something wrong, but i was not scared of whatever unknown procedures they had planned for my nether regions. It was all a step towards the ultimate goal, getting a baby. I would have put myself through rigorous torturing if it meant I'd end up with a baby. Parents say they would do anything for the kid(s), but they're talking about the kid(s) that they have. How many would willing put themselves through hell for a kid they may or may not end up with? I do not yet have a child, but I'm already willing to do anything. There is nothing that I would not put myself through to get my child.

As it turns out though, no rigorous torturing was involved. The only pain I felt was when the doctor was standing over me, shoving his hands into my abdomen. The lower half examination was painless. I was told that my innards looked normal so that was nice. You don't get that compliment from many people. I was allowed to get dressed and then I waited for a wonderfully nice nurse who came to collect four vials of blood from me.

I was given orders to keep charting my temp and to go to a lab at my convenience for more blood work. I'm not sure why they didn't take more there, but okay. I was also given a five day pack of Clomid to induce ovulation and told to get the best ovulation predictor kit, the Clear Blue Easy Digital kind. I used to use their pregnancy version whenever I tested for pregnancy. I switched to the non-digital kind because one line was just easier to see than the "Not Pregnant" displayed digitally. I also purchased a saliva ovulation predictor kit. It has been fun to learn. I finally got it figured out.

Alex received orders to go get a semen analysis. We're waiting until after ovulation though, assuming I ovulate. If not, we'll just schedule it for a week before our next trip to the doctor's office in a few weeks. We just don't want to have him waiting for the test and then me ovulate. We would not keep waiting for him to do it in a cup if I ever get a positive on my OPKs.

So that was about the gist of it all. I took my last Clomid pill yesterday. Hoping I didn't start taking it too late in the cycle. I didn't particularly feel any side-effects, but today I started having hot flashes which is a known side-effect of the drug. Alex says it must be a delayed effect. I normally am a cold-natured person. The house could be 78* and I could be wearing warm comfy pajamas while wrapped in an electric blanket and be just fine. The past couple days though I have been burning up, just sweating and generally out of nowhere. 

Other than that, all is well here. I have not gotten a positive yet, but I'm staying positive despite that fact. I also learned that Freya is a goddess of fertility (amongst other things). She is the one I like to thank for Friday as it is her namesake. That made me extra happy to be thanking her. Every little bit helps. :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Update on Update

Written same day as last blog. Note: bad language and lots of anger are here. Lots of cursing directed towards mothers. So if you are an easily offended mom, you may want to skip this one.


Well, no blood test needed. AF has arrived. At least now I can move on. I'm totally bummed. A 41 day cycle? For me, that's unheard of! I was averaging 33. I don't understand. How do I go from a 30 day cycle to a 41 day cycle? {sigh}

Guess I'll need to order some more ovulation strips. Apparently, I'll need as many as we can afford. I'm gonna have to test from the day AF leaves until the day she returns or I get a BFP.

And, of course, as I am feeling strong and ready and writing out my plan, up walks my next customer, a guy carrying a baby. The baby boy is just a few months old, dressed in a cute little pair of jeans and a t-shirt, no shoes, just looking around and taking everything in. The man paid with a credit card and I automatically held the receipt so he could sign it one-handed. As he signed, I looked at the baby and he just looked back at me with the most beautiful big eyes. They walked away and I had to fight back tears.
Then another baby went by. I figured I should count infants the next day I work just to see exactly to what extent the gods are mocking me. Maybe I am not allowed to have a kid while I'm at that job simply because there are so many I'm around on a daily basis. Maybe it would mess up the balance of the universe or something. Were that actually the situation, all I'd have to say is, "FUCK THE UNIVERSE!" I sit by while all my friends have children, get more children, show off their children, profess how they were born to me a mother...fuck that, too! Just because I waited until I was in a financially and emotionally stable relationship and managed to not get knocked up before this point does NOT make me any less of a  mother or any less deserving of having a child.

I would give anything to be a mother right now. I should be. I've done things the right way.

Oh, and all their bullshit of, "It will happen for you. You'll be a great mom! Just wait. Just give it time. Just enjoy sex!" Yeah, thanks for telling me to enjoy sex! That's apparently the big secret. Who knew? If that was the answer I'd have my own Von Trapp size clan. I'm so full of anger right now. Families are growing old and we can't even get ours started. Fuck all the women with their working ovaries, no fertility issues, more kids than they need, women who don't think they enough kids, and all women who think "GOD" has anything to do with it! (Stated here: when it happens for me, rest assured it will have had NOTHING to do with the Christian "god!") To hell with all of you!!

Update of Back Blog

This was written seven days ago.


Time for baby news update. I'm still in limbo. CD 42, 9 days late, 6 days longer than my longest cycle in the last four months. If I'm pregnant, I am day shy of six weeks. I tested twice yesterday. Once in the morning because I really thought I was going to see a positive. Then again in the evening because I prayed to everything good in this world for a miracle, simple peace of mind that I'm not suffering some horrible problem or experiencing early menopause.

Not knowing has had me really down and extra emotional. As much as I want to be pregnant, if I'm not right now then I'm okay with that. I just want my cycle to move on so we can try again. I think I must have said that a thousand times, but I still mean it. Anything , even AF, is better than not knowing how the rest of your life is gonna be. Not knowing if your wish has come true or if you should keep wishing.

I attempted to end the wait yesterday. Mom took me to a clinic to get tested. Only $28 and a bit of blood would give me an answer. I went in to see the "doctor" who wasn't very doctorish to me. She asked about my symptoms and cycle information. She mentioned that it might be too early to tell. I thought that was weird, but shrugged it off since sometimes even blood tests can be wrong though it's not common. Then she said all that was left to do was "collect" so I said, "okay," and started looking around for where the needles were. She grabbed a plastic package off the counter that I assumed was a blood collection kit, but then she handed it to me. I looked at her with a confused expression and then looked at what she handed me, a cup in a bag. Incredulously, I looked back at her and asked, "You want me to pee in a cup?" She confirmed and I told her that first of all, I had just peed and secondly, I was expecting a blood test. Peeing on a stick didn't work at home. I didn't need to pay $28 for one doctor's test that would only tell me what I already know, absolutely nothing!

Alex did some calling around though and found out where we can go for a blood test. We're going right after work. Hopefully, some light will be shed on my darkness.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Back Blog

This was written a few weeks ago.

I found out some disturbing news today. I knew than on any given month the chance of conceiving was only 20-25%. What I didn't know is that assuming you beat the odds and conceive, there is a 25% chance of miscarriage without even knowing it! This really distraught me. It's been hard enough getting pregnant. Now, I found out that even if I do get pregnant, there is a 25% chance I will lose it...lose it and never even know. I may have been pregnant at some point. How would I know? I wouldn't. I thought we had great odds of conceiving in August, but AF showed up five, count 'em, FIVE days early. What if that was a miscarriage?

{sigh} Now, I'm at the monthly point were AF will come knocking or I will get my wish. I have been trying not to get my hopes up. After all, we had some performance issues the day we most desperately needed everything to go well, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. We had good days before and after so who knows. I've had a few symptoms, but I've had symptoms before. The one I think is the best is that I've had no cramping which I normally get pretty badly the week preceding my AF.

I've also had a few less conclusive signs: fatigue, frequent urination, and queasiness. However, they could be the result of other things. I'm so torn between not wanting to get my hopes up and wanting to hope just in case hoping helps.

I took a test on Friday and got a BFN so I'm scared about taking another one. It was early enough that the test could have been wrong. If I take one know though it should be pretty conclusive. I can't decide if I want to take one tomorrow or wait a few days.

There's also the fact that tomorrow is supposed to be a most excellent day. Alex and I will be legally getting married, my Droid X will be arriving, cable is getting installed, and I'm off work. We don't want people at work to know and then them not come to the wedding next year. Of course, with the turnover rate it may not matter.

Anyways, so I'm almost tempted to do it tomorrow since it is a day of good things. But, in case I'm not, I don't want anything to damped the day. It wouldn't ruin the day or anything, but it would suck. Or maybe I should since I'll be happy for other reasons even if I do get a BFN.

Yes, I am quite the conflicted personality. {sigh} Perhaps I shall just wait and see. No reason to waste a test if AF is just going to rear her ugly head in a few. We'll see.

New Favorite Quote!

Last night, while laying in bed, I was playing sudoku and Alex was watching a video blog (both on our respective Droid Xs). I wasn't paying any attention to what he was watching, but a line caught my ear. It was a sentence so true that once I heard it all I could do was replay it over and over in my head, giggling  and reveling in it's truth.

It actually replaced my all time favorite quote, one that has been my favorite for years. My original favorite was from a "Rose is Rose" comic. It was, "Why do people give the label of love to tedious feelings of obligation and duty, yet dismiss the most electrifying infatuation as trivial?" It was a quote that held much relevance for me as I tried to sort out love and infatuation in my life. I managed the near-impossible though.  I am in love with the person I'm infatuated with. So I guess the time for a new quote with more relevance was at hand.

Pat Condell was the deliverer. I had never heard of him. I only know his name now because I asked Alex who was speaking. I wanted to be able to give him credit. I'm sure this will be my favorite quote for many years to come. He deserves to be noted.

As any of you who read my blog know, Christianity just rubs me the wrong way. (Insert your own catholic priest joke here.) It seems to be a religion full of so much dogma and hypocrisy that it cannot even keep its own fairy-tales straight. Living a "because I said so" life and doing so unquestioningly is just not something I can do. Enter Pat's quote: "Christianity is too high a price to pay for eternal salvation."

Can I get an "amen"?  :-/  No?