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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Update on Update

Written same day as last blog. Note: bad language and lots of anger are here. Lots of cursing directed towards mothers. So if you are an easily offended mom, you may want to skip this one.

Well, no blood test needed. AF has arrived. At least now I can move on. I'm totally bummed. A 41 day cycle? For me, that's unheard of! I was averaging 33. I don't understand. How do I go from a 30 day cycle to a 41 day cycle? {sigh}

Guess I'll need to order some more ovulation strips. Apparently, I'll need as many as we can afford. I'm gonna have to test from the day AF leaves until the day she returns or I get a BFP.

And, of course, as I am feeling strong and ready and writing out my plan, up walks my next customer, a guy carrying a baby. The baby boy is just a few months old, dressed in a cute little pair of jeans and a t-shirt, no shoes, just looking around and taking everything in. The man paid with a credit card and I automatically held the receipt so he could sign it one-handed. As he signed, I looked at the baby and he just looked back at me with the most beautiful big eyes. They walked away and I had to fight back tears.
Then another baby went by. I figured I should count infants the next day I work just to see exactly to what extent the gods are mocking me. Maybe I am not allowed to have a kid while I'm at that job simply because there are so many I'm around on a daily basis. Maybe it would mess up the balance of the universe or something. Were that actually the situation, all I'd have to say is, "FUCK THE UNIVERSE!" I sit by while all my friends have children, get more children, show off their children, profess how they were born to me a mother...fuck that, too! Just because I waited until I was in a financially and emotionally stable relationship and managed to not get knocked up before this point does NOT make me any less of a  mother or any less deserving of having a child.

I would give anything to be a mother right now. I should be. I've done things the right way.

Oh, and all their bullshit of, "It will happen for you. You'll be a great mom! Just wait. Just give it time. Just enjoy sex!" Yeah, thanks for telling me to enjoy sex! That's apparently the big secret. Who knew? If that was the answer I'd have my own Von Trapp size clan. I'm so full of anger right now. Families are growing old and we can't even get ours started. Fuck all the women with their working ovaries, no fertility issues, more kids than they need, women who don't think they enough kids, and all women who think "GOD" has anything to do with it! (Stated here: when it happens for me, rest assured it will have had NOTHING to do with the Christian "god!") To hell with all of you!!

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