Meltdown

I'm now 3 days late, but I started cramping on the 29th and have been ever since. This is usually a sure sign that AF is on the way. So I guess I'm just having a long cycle this month. I was doing pretty good with the whole thing though. I was looking on the bright side, took comfort in knowing we have October to try again.

Then the night before last, Alex decided he just HAD to tell me this story that started with yet ANOTHER person we know getting pregnant and concluded with all these guys who are dad telling delivery room stories. Considering my already fragile state due to the emotional turmoil of attempting to conceive and the fact that I am apparently PMSing, I completely broke down. I didn't stand a chance.

All the bad things I think and feel but try to ignore hit me all at once. People all around me conceive without difficulty, without waiting, without even TRYING! I feel like a completely failure as a woman, incapable of being a mother. Bad parents, people with more children than I can count, and pregnant mothers parade past me in hordes at work. It's like the world's sickest joke.

It seems like the only people who know what to say and what NOT to say to women TTC are other women who are TTC. However, I didn't realize that my fiance, who is around me every day and has seen me going through this emotional hell, would be so dense as to bring up a half-ass story (wasn't even a good story with a point) about other women being pregnant and having babies. I'm surprised he didn't throw in some stories about people who having great success with their horse farms and people who got to have the wedding of their dreams after coming into an adequate inheritance.Ya know, just to make sure that if I decide to commit suicide I'm depressed enough to be sure I won't fuck up. (Note to readers: No, I'm not suicidal! Just a leap into the dark side of humor for that one.)

I tore into him about how he didn't understand how I felt, and that he just threw in my face what I cannot do/have, and to top it off he kept sighing through my tirade to the point that I got up to leave the room since I was apparently annoying him so much. He did stop me though and apologized profusely and agreed to start helping me in our efforts to have a child (in ways other then the obvious). So all was well afterward.

Laughing Is Conceivable had a great article yesterday that really helped me feel better. A quick snippet:

Step one is: 

Freak out. “Why can’t I have a baby?! I’m a woman. I’m supposed to be able to have a baby?! Why are all of my low-life friends and relatives having babies?!” 

Reading that was what made me feel better. Knowing I'm not the only one deals with such feelings.

I will leave you with a couple links to Lori Shandlefox's blog.

For the story I mention above, click here.

This article by Tracy Birkinbine is linked through Laughing Is Conceivable. It's called Infertility Feelings and Emotions: Difference Between Men and Women. It helped Alex and I with what we went through with my meltdown.