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This was written a few weeks ago.

I found out some disturbing news today. I knew than on any given month the chance of conceiving was only 20-25%. What I didn't know is that assuming you beat the odds and conceive, there is a 25% chance of miscarriage without even knowing it! This really distraught me. It's been hard enough getting pregnant. Now, I found out that even if I do get pregnant, there is a 25% chance I will lose it...lose it and never even know. I may have been pregnant at some point. How would I know? I wouldn't. I thought we had great odds of conceiving in August, but AF showed up five, count 'em, FIVE days early. What if that was a miscarriage?

{sigh} Now, I'm at the monthly point were AF will come knocking or I will get my wish. I have been trying not to get my hopes up. After all, we had some performance issues the day we most desperately needed everything to go well, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. We had good days before and after so who knows. I've had a few symptoms, but I've had symptoms before. The one I think is the best is that I've had no cramping which I normally get pretty badly the week preceding my AF.

I've also had a few less conclusive signs: fatigue, frequent urination, and queasiness. However, they could be the result of other things. I'm so torn between not wanting to get my hopes up and wanting to hope just in case hoping helps.

I took a test on Friday and got a BFN so I'm scared about taking another one. It was early enough that the test could have been wrong. If I take one know though it should be pretty conclusive. I can't decide if I want to take one tomorrow or wait a few days.

There's also the fact that tomorrow is supposed to be a most excellent day. Alex and I will be legally getting married, my Droid X will be arriving, cable is getting installed, and I'm off work. We don't want people at work to know and then them not come to the wedding next year. Of course, with the turnover rate it may not matter.

Anyways, so I'm almost tempted to do it tomorrow since it is a day of good things. But, in case I'm not, I don't want anything to damped the day. It wouldn't ruin the day or anything, but it would suck. Or maybe I should since I'll be happy for other reasons even if I do get a BFN.

Yes, I am quite the conflicted personality. {sigh} Perhaps I shall just wait and see. No reason to waste a test if AF is just going to rear her ugly head in a few. We'll see.