I read a blog called "I Gave My Boyfriend a Night Off--With Another Woman," by Cameron Rodriguez. She talks about discussing with her significant other whether or not a one-time cheat, a night off, would be okay. She felt that under certain circumstances she could forgive him. Sadly, months later that statement was put to the test. Her man admitted to a one-night stand with a chick he met at the baseball park. In tears, he said he felt horrible about it and had been scared to tell her because he didn't want to lose her. Considering the details he told her about and remembering what she had said about letting such a transgression pass, she forgave him. They broke a couple years later, but she assures that it was not because of his night off.
This gave me a lot to think about, As far as relationships, love, and sexual encounters go, my life is not exactly normal. In think I can make a good objective judge of cheating characteristics. You see, in past relationships I have cheated and been the other woman. I've also kept the secrets of my friends' indiscretions. So I have a pretty good idea of what makes up a cheater. Honestly, I can say Alex would never cheat on me. I believe that the more sexually adventurous a person is the more likely they are to cheat. I was married once before and I cheated. My then husband never did. While he was experimental on occasion, he was no where near as crazy as I was. Alex is even less adventurous than that. He is a self-admitted vanilla person. I have to add that it's a very bland vanilla at that, borderline flavorless, bless his heart. Not even into the hardcore porn that flows from the internet, preferring lone chick videos. I have tried watching stuff like that. I tend to get bored. I've tried to teach him new things and get him to try new things, but I have been largely unsuccessful. I do want to point out that I am not in any way unsatisfied. Variety is just a spice, not the whole meal. Anyways, that's a big reason I believe he would never cheat on me. However, to play devil's advocate, what if he did? He's in another state all week. What better place for it to happen? So what if he did and, like the guy in the blog, admitted it to me. How would I deal with that?
Despite seeing infidelity from so many different angles, I have never (to my knowledge) been cheated on. I use to always say that I didn't care if my man wanted to hook up with another girl so long as he shared. (A line that truly annoyed my mother who at the time was having still trying to accept my bisexuality.) However this was before being with a married guy who wanted to bring another chick (other than his wife) into our play time. I took note and said I would find someone. As it so happened, he had already been researching and sent me into on a couple of girls he'd gone out with who he thought might be into it. The thought of being with someone who he'd been with before, had a past with, made me sick to my stomach. He was quite annoyed and said I was just being jealous and even questioned my bisexuality. My problem had nothing to do with being with him and another girl though. It's one thing when a guy says, "I would like a threesome," but it's completely different to have him say, "I would like a threesome...and here's who I would like to be with."
So that pretty much kills the "not minding so long as he shares" theory. And with Alex, I find that I have quite a jealous/protective streak, even with perceived, if nonexistent, threats. So back to the question at hand. How would I feel if Alex came back from his trip and told me he met someone while he was gone, but that it was just a one-night stand and that he felt absolutely horrible about it? It is so hard for me to imagine. He is my world. We are engaged and trying to have a baby. In all honestly, I can't see myself having a reaction. I think I would go completely numb, in like a shock. Obviously I would be hurt and the trust between us would take a major hit. I think it would take a long while before I could ever be intimate with him again or even let him hold me at night. However, I think my desired to be comforted would eventually win out on that one. Sexual intimacy though...it would be a while before we could head down that road without me thinking, "Did he do this to her? Did he kiss her? If I touch him a certain way, will it make him think of her? Was he thinking of me when he was with her? Is he thinking of her now?" Whether he was actually thinking of her or not would be irrelevant because I would be thinking about her. I would not be able to proceed with such thoughts in my head.
But I would still want to be with him. I could eventually forgive him and those horrible thoughts (that even by just imagining for a theoretical situation has left me feeling sick to my stomach) would go away. I know he would feel horrible. He would hate himself for what he did to me and to our relationship.
What has been great about writing this piece is knowing that without a doubt, I will never have to find out if how I think I would react is truly what I would do. I've made comments about Alex being with another woman before. Even before he left, I joked about him meeting someone there and not coming home. He never even entertains such thoughts. "No, honey. I only want you. I love you." I one hundred percent believe him.
This has been quite enlightening and has led to a part 2 that will be posted tomorrow.