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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Night Off From Your Significant Other? Could You Do It? Part 2

This is part 2 to "A Night Off From Your Significant Other? Could You Do It?"
So, I discussed how I would react if Alex admitted to cheating on me. I also said I truly believe he would never do that. Considering some of the things I said though, you may be wondering about my own ability to stay monogamous. To be honest, I had wondered about it, too. It's not that I've never been faithful in a relationship. I have been. However, I have many marks against me. I said in the last blog that I believe people who are sexually adventurous are more apt to cheat. I also noted that I happen to be the very adventurous type. There's also the fact that I have cheated in past relationships. Now, I've never believed the "once a cheater, always a cheater," saying, but a little, insecure, inner-voice sometimes wonders, "what if it is true?" Let's add on the fact that I'm bi and have been in a polyamorous relationship. (For those wondering, polyamory and polygamy are not the same. I'm not going to explain polyamory though. For more info go here: Introduction to Polyamory.)

There is another mark against me. Before Alex, I was beyond in love (limerence is the exact word for what I was feeling) with a man who strictly wanted nothing but a sexual relationship with me. The reason being that he was married and had told me from the beginning that he had no intention of leaving his wife. At the beginning of our fun that was fine by me, but feelings formed over time. He was unhappy in his marriage and that thought fueled my fantasy that some day he would see how much more he and I could be. There was nothing that I would not do for him and ever telling him no was impossible. I believed I could make him happy. I was his very willing slave.

We drifted apart, talking occasionally. He's a very smart man though. He's never stopped trying to get me to meet him again even though he knows I'm with Alex. He drowns me in compliments which I can't help but nearly purr when I hear. I figured if anyone could even make me stray, it would be him. I was so tight around his finger and he knew though never really cared.

I'm in a much better spot now then I was back in the day though. I'm stronger. As I said, I liked the compliments and his asking me to see him. It's a role-reversal that anyone who has ever been hurt by someone has hoped for. For a while, it was great for my ego, but I realized something recently. It doesn't help me anymore. It may be nice, but it doesn't matter to me. When it comes down to my looks and abilities, the only one whose opinion matters is Alex's and when I was trying to imagine how his cheating would affect me, I got just the taste of how awful that could be. I love Alex so much and I would never ever for any reason want him to feel that way.

I'm going to contact that man and let him know that there is no chance of us meeting...ever. I've let him hold onto the idea that we might for my own selfish reasons. I have moved on and he should, too. He'll act like it's no big deal and that's fine by me. The less drama the better.

I'm excited to know how I feel about all this now. I've never really let myself dwell on it much. Everyone should though. Take the time to really mull over what your final answer is on cheating. Find out exactly where your lines are. You might surprise yourself. In my case, I'm happy to know that nothing is stronger than my feelings for my fiance. 

UPDATE: I told the guy when I caught him online. He did not act like it was no big deal. It apparently was a big deal. He got mad and got all snotty with me, suddenly saying he had to go because he was busy. I stated that I just thought he should know and he reiterated that he was busy. If he's hurt and/or mad, I'm sorry. He's made me mad and hurt me, even to the point that I was physically ill for days. I've never received an apology. I wasn't doing this to retaliate though. As I stated, I didn't even think he would care. I do apologize though for whatever unpleasant feelings I may have caused him. That was not my intent. This is just better for everyone though.

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